Call it the dark night of the soul , an ego death or your life imploding in Technicolor to a terrible soundtrack. But we all experience those moments when we know with great certainty – our lives will never be the same again.
One such moment was the birth of my daughter. Other moments of awakening involved people entering and leaving my life. Very often the consequences were disastrous and the emotional fallout dreadful. I once heard it being said that one learns through pain, suffering. But surely, I thought, there must be a better way?
The one thought that tripped me was this…if I know how my every thought or action affects another, could I bear to look at myself? That’s when I started measuring my words and became very Scorpionic in my energy. Every errant emotion was/is set to music instead. The flip side being that many felt I was…aloof, secretive, not trusting. Perhaps…or perhaps not. I also realised that somewhere along the way someone is gonna get hurt regardless of what I do or say. Somewhere along the way I will hurt and fall apart.
I love being a musician and there are wonderful perks to it, I won’t lie. Yet, there is a dark side no one really escapes. Writing music is confrontational. At times I discovered just how true, untrue or downright delusional I am.
And so the writing of music allows one to access a place apart from time, where realities merge and the lines between dreams and other realms become blurred. Ask any musician and they will confess a song just popped out of them from nowhere. Of course it isn’t from nowhere. Dissect the word nowhere and you are left with…now…here. Or the word believing, used in the common saying seeing is believing. When the truth is one has to believe any idea or thought into one’s being before it blooms. And music requires belief.
We are all channels and the Divine moves through us, constantly seeking expression.
Often I wonder what the world would look like if all our thoughts were transparent. If we could know the thoughts of every person and hear them being broadcast, what would become of humanity? Could we work together? Would chaos ensue?
Perhaps the sad truth is that our thoughts are more transparent than we care to admit. Being a songwriter has turned me into a bit of an observer. I watch people carefully and wait to see patterns emerge from the group dynamic. Then I find ways to walk around people. This is why my family say I missed out on my two true callings – a therapist or a diplomat. Yet for the most part if one is silent enough, we can know the truth of the person sitting across from us.
All this theorizing and strategies go out of the window when love enter the picture. Just what is real, I ask myself? When in love I can take a simple sentence and elevate it, deepening the emotional resonance, expanding it with a turn of phrase or a chord progression. Or plummet into the darkest trenches and my many inner hells and not come up for air.
And that’s how I learnt the value of balance. Someone could read this and conclude only one thing: this lady likes control. Perhaps or perhaps not.
We are never gonna know all the answers while here. We can make educated guesses and theorize. Perhaps even settle on a ‘code’ to modulate our behavior and make life bearable.
This realm we live in is one of many and what we do here reverberates throughout all the realms of being. We are not static beings stuck on a rock, caged and chained. In one of my favorite movies, The Fountain, the priest says, ‘Death is the road to awe…’ Perhaps. Perhaps not. Living and being truly present allows one to be in awe, that’s my theory.
Just being able to feel and know love, or pain and then in the midst of those torrid emotions decide…act, dare, dream. Hell, even in the absence of those, without balance or a lifeline…to be able to sing, for me, is the ultimate act of Love.
Energy is flowing in and out from places we cannot even name and sinks into our bones, whispering…We are so much more than flesh and bone or the sum of desires and mistakes, what we see reflected.
Perhaps if we are brave enough… We will come around for another spin! Changing our skin, gender, belief structure to experience every emotion there is. And express love in the way only we can. Being as true as we can be to ourselves and others and elevating the consciousness of those our lives affect.
Because let’s face it…this is the best and only game in town! So why not play the game of being….true, honest and human?