For as long as I can recall I found myself in the lives of people in crisis. Either they were very sickly, endured a life challenge or as they are grieving. My daughter never really enjoyed seeing me in that position. As she felt I was being taken advantage of. In and with time we both realized that nothing happens by chance, and that I only step in to the lives of those I deeply care for. We all know that one aunty who always seems to rock up just before someone dies, don’t we? Well…I am kinda close to that.”Kalm soos ‘n dagga walm’ as we say in Afrikaans…
Two things happen in those scenarios. I learn something rather profound about human nature and how minds and hearts work when they are in sync and out of joint. Also, I write great Music and my performances are insanely emotional. As I rid myself of that excess energy when I do. My Mother says I have the patience of that biblical dude Job. No, I stay for as long as required and then leave when they are bit better. When we both are. In between I write great Music and stage performances that move deeply. As a way of remaining sane….and to say…I see you. I love you as is.
All the deaths in the last few years affected me profoundly. Something inside cracked open and Music streamed out. So much damn Music! I am more forgiving of others and myself. After my father passed I only spent time around people I could be all of myself with. No filters, and accepted me as I do them. In turn, I tried my best to be present for those who needed my time.
I spoke to my other sister recently and said, ” If we are very honest we knew the instant we met someone who became a problem down the line….we knew something was off.” And we ignored it. Perhaps because we hoped for better. Or simply because we had something to learn about ourselves in that instant.
I am lucky in my friendships. No. I nurture my friendships, deeply. With great intent. These are the people I choose to grow old and mad with, I tell myself. And when that changes, as things invariably do, I will adjust accordingly. “Did you honestly think,” I told my one friend a few minutes ago, ” that you could visit South Africa and not see me? The nerve!” And I meant every damn word. A plan will always be made for those I care for. Always.
I dont ever want to look at any relationship, be it professional or personal, and have the following question linger. Was I kind enough? Did I do enough? My Mother and I spoke after my father passed. She plied him with every conceivable health concoction when he was sick. “I knew he was dying but I needed to know that I did everything I could…” And she did. As I always will….and hope you do as well for those you love. This does not mean we are door mats, but honest in the expression of love and kindness, yes.
And I have no doubt that Home will find me.