I carry it with me all the time. One single question. How would I like to make people feel? This question has deeper roots of course. How was I made to feel by those I trusted most? I traced this right back to my childhood and Father specifically. What did you teach me about trusting the world and myself Old Man?
All these answers came into sharp focus the last few years. Especially after my last relationship imploded so magnificently. And then finally it dawned on me after my father died. The emotion I was imprinted with at the youngest of ages was abandonment. This fear caused me to never plant roots anywhere, or run into people who only want solid foundations and fertile grounds to build new empires on. Or those who were as shakey on their feet as I was. Ah yes, a perfect recipe for disaster and well….great music.
When people say, “I only ever experienced this with you! These things were never a problem before!” That is the fallacy, I came to realize. The problems we experience in intimate relationships leave stains or clues everywhere. In our work environment, with friends and family. And the roots of that disfunction lay in our childhood. Or in the trauma we experienced. But shit, who wants to look at that eh? Let’s just get on with living dammit!
Then…Boom! Pandemic, Lockdown and Daddy’s dead. It forced me to anchor myself….with family and friends. And not freak the fuck out. I had no choice but to remain so still….and dig so deep within myself it annoyed everyone. “Stop being so self confrontational…” said Mark. How can I when when finally all the puzzle pieces are falling into place eh? I also had to learn to receive love and care with…grace. And not search for ulterior motives all the time. Or a reason to dash and go!
Now when I meet people, all manner of people, I am a great deal more honest with myself first. What is I would like to share? Can I give it? And how much of myself can I anchor with this person, this friend, this…interest?
Then other realization….sometimes it really is them and not me. Their issues, their fears on full display. Step back. Observe. Detach and do not get sucked into emotional dramas. Just…. Wait. Just how much love have I shown….and is this a love or friendship I have outgrown? If so….well…But in the last few years my friendships have remained rock solid, thank goodness.
As I am very clear on what it is I would like to give the person standing in front of me. What they give? Well, that’s their business. I have peace finally. As I am not searching for anyone to fill in any gaps or reflect back to me my deepest needs and desires. This is what my Father dying and all the good and bad relationships showed me.
I reckon that the question I am asking of you. What is it you want to share with people? What feeling would you like to leave them with? What’s the frequency? What’s the damn vibe? And do you know where to turn when the shit hits the fan? Do you know who is in your corner? And what will you do when shown the small truths or lies you have been living or lived in fear of?
I know…big damn question eh? Don’t worry as much. Just breathe your way through it. Mistakes happen, I realised. This doesn’t make us bad people. Just….people who didn’t know any better but who are intent on trying to live a life more true.
Have a beautiful day you wonderful human. I know it’s gonna be okay….somehow. And yeah man….I do not know what comes next. However, I am very aware of this. What comes next is bound to be so much better than what I have known before. Only because well….I am.