Category: My Blog

I woke up this morning wishing strong arms were wrapped around me.  Looking at my old notebooks didn’t help either. I was such a fool I told Tumi this morning. Lavishing affection on people who never cared or saw me. While I tried my best to prove I was worthy of their love.

I get it now of course. It was never about them but how I valued and loved myself. Tumi was more practical and kind of course. ‘They were all part of the journey Auriol…’ Perhaps this is why I long to adopt a kid. It’s easier pouring your love into a small being and feeling that love beamed back at you. As I do for my Mother and my daughter for me. And there are so many kids who need to be loved…

I am nervous about going to CT. Seeing people and being thrown back into the den of wolves. Silly really….I have been both the prey and the predator many times. Wolf looks very good on me.  The question that confronted me was this: What is it I need, deep at my core? A person I can retreat deep into…and emerge from with both words and music that is true. A heart that’s filled with as much love as mine is.

It’s easy as a musician, dipping back into my past. Finding a drop of water and imagining it is an ocean. The music and words expand the space where nothing exists. That is the power of my imagination and music itself. But gods, how lonely I feel sometimes. Especially today. How lonely and alone.

Everything contracts on days like today. Hope becomes a dangerous thing and my chest refuses to welcome as much air. It’s okay, I tell myself. Ride it out and make music with Tumi. Do what you can with what you have, with where you are…

So many things remain unsaid. That silly song I wrote yesterday called Bring Your Gloves, was written for someone very close to me….who is suffering such abuse. So many things I could have said but didn’t. Cruel words to injure and drive the point home, but I opted not to. It was just something I needed to expell from my system.

We all had to put ourselves back together after everything goes to hell don’t  we?

At times wonder if I will live to see my grandkids. If I will be able to live just for myself and my own happiness.And know the face of a person who loves and  cares about my happiness as much as I care for his. Right now I enjoy each day and revel in its energy, but there is nothing tying me to this place. No real reason to stay for very long. What else is there for me to do here, I wonder?

Yes, it’s all part of the journey. Some parts of the ride are just a bit bumpy. At times the road conditions and weather is so bad though…

Just close your eyes and breathe. Everything passes. Make music, make love if you can. Or Make music and be the love. Even if you have to reach deep into your past to remember what it feels like. Breathe and don’t get stuck. Everything passes. It does, it does…

 

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