I woke up with a lump in my throat. What is this? I keep being surprised by this feeling. Grief? It’s not my father I miss but my Mother. Perhaps because it would have been their 35th wedding anniversary yesterday? And I know how well my Mother hides her grief.
I don’t want to leave this room. Or see anyone. But there’s a party happening later tonight. My online performance will be watched by friends and there will be food. I sing two songs along with many other musicians. So, I have to be cheerful. My friend has much to celebrate, and I want to share in that. Can’t do that with this lump on my throat. So it’s best I sort my shit out.
Tomorrow night we shoot my album cover. There’s an invitation to see a band the afternoon with a friend. Next week more friends. Cape Town is always busy – friends, whiskey and Music on the side.
I remember what it felt like years ago when I couldn’t share my honest feelings with my Person. My chest felt like it was being squeezed and I had nowhere to turn to but my keyboard. This is what not being able to sing and share music feels like. A fish out of water, and why in spend so much time alone. Or I try to. It’s not really possible, especially here.
Fuck. This. Year. Hurts. And so it’s become important to know what I feel, balance it out and spend time with people without needing anyone too much. Not my Mother or my daughter. I wont burden anyone with it.
Let me walk alone for a while. I will find the Sun….I always do…and Music. This will pass. It always does.