All it took was a two hour drive with one friend to clear my foggy head. That, many ciggies and some fast food. Boom! I have all the clarity I need.
While driving around in Cape Town, he reminded me of a few things I forgot. Granted I am very intuitive and my dreams give me a clear indication of what’s coming. Yet he said something that made me say oh fuck! ‘ You are so busy and so careful about the things in your past and not repeating mistakes. That makes sense. And you rely on your gut to point the way…but you are leaving the higher powers out of this situation. I mean, you gotta let them do some work also!’ Also, he used many, many colorful Afrikaans swear words to point home the fact that I stopped trusting the universe.
I have been writing music for the last few weeks and along with it came a very hectic dose of reflection. I also blog everyday. This resulted in a lack of flow. I stopped breathing as I was to busy monitoring my thoughts, my feelings, my fears and even my deepest desires. Music gives me clarity but because I was alone most of the time I seldom stopped to feel where I was. I was stuck in my past and a wonderfully, creative imaginary realm. And I had no balance, no one to bounce that energy off.
Truthfully, the atmosphere I created around myself as I penned new music was laden with emotional turmoil. As I was determined to find the lesson, the gift of every interaction and mistake of the last two years. And while I do feel a great deal clearer, I know I am also in need of a few cleansing rituals to cut off all that energy or ground it somewhere. I have to let go of it completely and surrender.
Going home will not be easy, as I am stepping into a space of uncertainty and anxiety. All that is required of me is not to cook or run errands but to hold everyone’s energy in balance. Leaving very little space for music or anything else. Look, I embrace my role in the family dynamic as I love my parents. This is why Afrika Burn was amazing. It was such a free space, where issues of the past or future does not plague one. The only time I feel that kind of freedom is when I sing….or well…
Also he reminded me to not….fling my my heart wide open, but keep it slightly ajar. ‘Allow a man to earn the right to love you….and be patient enough with yourself to do the same.’ Damn this man! But it does not stop there! ‘Also stop allowing into your space people with heavy emotional issues that need too much nurturing. It will make you physically ill. ‘ And just like that I have all manner of clarity.
He happens to be the one person that can cut through all my bullshit and create a space where I gain clarity on my own. He is brilliant and just the energy I needed. And after only two hours. Damn I am lucky! People pay for this shit! ‘Do whatever the fuck you wanna do. As long as you feel good about it.’ In other words…jump out of your head, out of your past. Back to your skin and straight into your heart. Goddamn, those lines sound like the chorus of a bladdy song!