“What’s going on in your love life?” This question would have been met with so many florid responses years ago. Now, the only response is an honest one, “Do you have any idea how busy I am?” So busy all I want on weekends is to be left alone. In fact, I didnt even visit Roeland, my favorite second hand book dealer yesterday (shocking I know)!
If anyone told me a few years ago that this is how I would think, feel, be…I would have dismissed them. Squat. Go away fly. Stop bothering me with your beady eyes and dirty feet! And stop looking at my food godammit!
Right now, I feel incredibly supported by the gods. That’s what it comes down to. My almost Stoic nature allows me to find just enough time for people and things I love. I even wrote a song I rather dig. About no one I know. Wait, that’s also another big revelation! The music isnt tethered to anyone one person or feeling anymore. I managed to free myself from a romantic ideal who haunted my ass for so long.
I exorcised the ghosts, armed with only music and a I don’t give a fuck attitude. No, that’s a lie, but let’s not go into the why’s right now eh? Can I get an Amen my people? Free at last, thank god almighty….free at last!
I sing this week. Hang out with my boy Matt and spend time in the sun with him and some other amazing friends. While doing a bit of networking and meeting deeply inspiring people on the side. In the meantime, great books, solitude, the sun, family, friends and writing music. And my daughter is amazing. I have two small boys who run circles around me. Giving me all kinds of creative energetic boosts I need.
My daughter knows…I love kids. But is she gonna give me grandbabies? Sigh….when she is ready….which may be never. And they wont look like me. Double sigh times a million. Oh my goodness….what if I end up dating someone…wait for it…..who has a kid…who looks like me? OMG that would be freaking amazing!!! Yes! That’s bladdy brilliant! The possibilites are endless! Oops, I got a bit carried away there for a second, forgive me. The point is – I have peace rolling in my bones, jah feel? There is nothing I am lacking. There never was. And that is the biggest epiphany of all. I don’t care if I get grandbabies or not. I have her..mand she’s entirely mad and brilliant.
I also know who the new album is aimed at, my very specific audience. Haha…bladdy design thinking. I am working in very different way and know it requires time. So I am giving myself time in order to release something I am proud of. In the meantime…..I write music that amuses me. Oh, I am a bit mad about this one entirely insane character from the tv series SEE. His name is Tamacti Jun, Witch Finder General. And I find him insanely attractive. Hehe! I am just gonna roll with that okay? I mean, I have to let my crazy out somewhere. I need to stop digressing bladdy hell….
Seriously. I awake at 5:30 without an alarm, and end up mailing people before 7. Wtf man? I sleep so well most of the time. And when grief knocks, I open the door. Cry and allow myself to feel until it subsides. I spend time the way I choose to spend it. Ultimate luxury? A long hot bath. Warm bed. Great book. A small whiskey. A wickedly dark chocolate and BOOM! It’s about the small things.
Yeah. Small moments that lead to more small moments with amazing people. Note to self. Stop using the words: amazing, wonderful, life. Surely, I can find more creative synonyms? Uhmm…. Neh. I like those words. Let’s add in a few of my other favorites: epiphany, trust, faith, my Mother, Music, Ben Harper’s Winter is for Lovers album, friends, friends, and my most amazing daughter. Yes. She is my absolute favorite.
Best part about my life right this second? The people around me love cooking. And dammit….do they cook well. Ah, let’s add in another word: nurtured. I feel very nurtured. Yes! Can I get another amen! Whoop whoop my people….enjoy your damn day and chill out. Or ramp it up. Regardless of what you choose to do or who ( hehe) – do it well yeah?
What is it my favorite Stoic philosopher said again? Ah yes….get on with your bladdy life and stop being so scared dammit. Yes. That’s what he said. I remember it so clearly now…