The last few months have been rough. I heard it once being said that the things you are loved for is what will kill you. This makes complete sense considering the year 2020 so far.
Perhaps it’s because I am a musician and a Scorpio, but I am able to pick up everyone’s energy. So when Rona started causing shit at the start of this year – I was the one who collapsed into bed. And endured days of what felt like nothingness and fear riding up and down my spine. Then Daddy died and a few months in, the weight of all that is back. Sitting on my shoulders and caught in my throat, making it hard to speak and even harder to sing.
It’s my daughter that made me realize how close I was to a sharp cliff. ‘Are you giving up on music?’ she asked me. When I didn’t know what to say to her as a response, that’s when I really started worrying.
I feel as though I have lost my reason for being, my Purpose.
See, my world has gone to shit so many times, and it has been my ability to write music or transmute that energy that’s gotten me through all of it. Except now.
This means I have two choices left. Leave Music completely or leave my family behind before I lose my mind. I can’t pretend that this, this where I am now…is enough.
After India, I promised I won’t lie to myself about anything anymore. And being here….without Music, without friends…and all the grief and family drama…without fulfilling my purpose…is unbearable.
But before I think about those things and make any choices – I am gonna get back into bed and stay there.