If fear is just a chalk figure, a solid block of nonsense thought masquerading like the queen through her colonies, just what are you scared of? What terrifies you? What have you felt great resistance towards? For the last few weeks I have not spoken to anyone ‘outside’. Not visited. Not called. Not played piano. 2019 right until May 2022 my friends saved me. Sometimes dragging, and kidnapping me out of my self imposed isolation.
What of the Music I wrote during that time? Bittersweet. Angry. Delusional. Filled with longing. Almost suicidal. In short – the music I composed during that time was fuckin fantastic! But my heart was shut.
So I am daring myself to visit friends today. With chocolate cake in hand. Write Music as a discipline the way I did years ago. And resume my Spanish and German lessons. Perhaps even find some YouTube tutorials on….the inner workings of ….cars. A bit of obsession that isnt Music related could do wonders.
It is best to embrace who you know you are. This very second. Not the person you were accused of being by those who feel injured by you. Did you get that bit? Forget the voices of people who fucked you over and made you feel like it’s your fault! There are no ‘others’ remember? Here’s my truth. Shit happens. Sometimes we behaved poorly because we didnt know better. And sometimes we were assholes. Each new moment is an invitation to be better. Act with and from a place of greater courage.
We all lie to ourselves. It’s convenient. Perhaps even fun, once you get over your damn self. I lied to myself just yesterday! I love boring hardware stores….filled with power tools and mad ideas of things I would love to make but have no damn clue to execute.
It helps being aware of your own high grade fuckery before pointing fingers at anyone. But that shit’s so hard in an environment, a world, that insists you accuse, judge and fear every damn thing. Just think about it for a second. Some lunatic made a movie about giant ants to scare the living daylights out of us. Ants. Birds. The fog. Water.
Before I speak or engage with anyone, I give great thought to the energy I wish to share. So I whisper a small prayer, a small reminder and take a damn deep inhale before any words form. That which you love, remains loved. That which you hold to be true, remains true. Please…show me the truth so I may know peace.
And then I take a sip of my tea, water, rum or tequila….and listen.