‘I love you. Reservedly, quietly, with abandon and in wildness.’ Andre Brink, Flame In The Snow
This is how I feel about music. I recall speaking to an astrologer about the placement of Neptune in my chart. Neptune, the planet of illusions has been corralled in one space in my mind for musical purposes. Leaving my personal life wonderfully intact. This appears, at first glance, a useful tactic. Know where energy can be used and employ it with great effect and intention.
I shudder to think what I would have done with that energy if not use it musically. Things would fall apart. Reality would be lost between the embrace of lovers, a wonderful chord progression and the sometimes harshness of my life.
Yet. One cannot process every emotion through music or art and come out whole, I realised. As healing never occurs in isolation.
I aim for balance in all things. If you are gonna eat ‘bad’ food or consume bad love…do it with intention and no guilt. If drinking an entire bottle of whiskey alone is what is needed – then do it dammit and enjoy your stay in Babylon as your head pounds and your body aches the next day. I allow experiences to unfurl and revel in its aliveness. Yet.
A few nights ago I found myself boxed in by all manner of fears, external and internal. Being in this frantic a space, all left for me to do was reach out. Instantly my body was flooded with relief as arms wired with steel and forgotten things embraced me in a way I never allowed before. This small act surprised me more than expected. And then the epiphany found its way to me.
Love, tempered by kindness and a willingness to be held can change one’s inner landscape.
I slept incredibly well and forgot the fears both real and imaginary. I realised that while I was accustomed to holding space for others, I seldom allowed others to hold it for me. And when I do, my skin never touched theirs. Ever.
No wonder people fuck around so much and lose their shit! I have constructed, with intention, a sophisticated cage with all the trappings of comfort to keep all the monsters at bay. Sure, I would be strong and shit, hold space for others…but godsake…I never realised just how lonely I had become as my head rested on a bed of blue.
What am I gonna do now I asked myself? The answer came to me when he looked at me and said, ‘It was a Winter in Prague 1732, you were a fortune teller and I was a thief…’
Chill out. Breathe. Enjoy the music. Drink whiskey and enjoy whatever hangover comes the next day…and allow yourself to be held, healed…and your divided mind to find peace.
( On a side note…it is never about any person per se, but what they remind one of. The point is to remember and take that knowing with wherever one goes.)