My best friend is back in town and I am so happy! I am a loner by nature. If left to my own devices I would not venture out – except for food,smokes and to visit a bookshop. I roll in a crew and my people are insanely adventurous. Gay men get me. Straight me never do.
There are small instances when I knew I was understood. When a plate of curry was handed to me when I felt so low. Curry is my comfort food. When I was married my ex husband would purchase Jamaican ginger which I need for my throat. And The Mexican gifted me with warm scarves in turquoise blue, my favorite color, as I am always freezing. It’s about the small things.
Granted I am a musician whose head is never grounded in practical realities, so I miss a great deal. It took me a year to figure out when the dirt was collected. My Mother was mortified when I sat in the garden and marveled at the shape of the flowers on the ground. They looked like stars scattered wildly across the Galaxy. ‘Auriol, those are weeds and you need to pick them up!’ And my daughter who is one of the few people who can snap me out of a low by using titles of my songs to argue with me!
I am careful around people even if I am scatterbrained. I watch. I ask questions and I work around those I care for. My girlfriend takes care of things when I perform. Yet when she gets on the dancefloor I hold on to her shoes and make sure men are behaving themselves. My Mother just wants to be fed. My father needs to bitch about politics! ‘You have grace on your side. You are always taken care of…’ said my other best friend. This is so true. I am never without what I need.
I am going home soon and honestly I do look forward to the bad food, horrid jokes, the sky that glitters like diamonds on black and the sea that roars as I smoke outside. I look forward to running stupid errands for the people I love and reflecting on this year that has been life altering, thank you Ben Harper!
Yes, there were days when I was convinced I would never be happy again. Especially after my divorce. Now I can honestly say the following: I am so deeply grateful to my ex husband….who loved me as best he could, gifted me with a daughter and hurt me so deeply I had no choice but to make peace with the dark things that circle when I can’t reach for music. Every moment after him has cracked my heart wide open.
When I was lost it was my friends who gave me sanctuary, who reminded me to give what I think I don’t have. Love. Hope. Ears that pay attention and music of course. I often ponder about my life purpose and all. Music of course yes,but beyond that it’s about the small things. If I can remind whoever I am with that their lives by itself has meaning then I have lived well.
Many say, after meeting me that they have not met anyone like me. That, I always counter, is just sad. Clearly you are hanging out in the wrong places. Let me introduce you to some amazing people….The world might be a bad and dangerous place but what matters are those small pockets of magic. Where we are reminded we are safe and loved. Love lies in the hands of those we call home, so chose carefully where you lay your head at night.
Sometimes my heart aches with aloneness and silence….but most days it radiates hope, music and joy ( my second name). So give me more warmth, more hope, more great food, friends who can call me at 3am I silently pray….and I will sing to whomever wants to listen and give back the sun in return.