A friend once said that in order to be true to yourself, you have to be true to others. This…bothered me. I mean, seriously, what if the people in your life happen to be complete dicks eh? Just where and what do you do then? Or worse still, what if you are the asshole in the equation?
Scorpios like control and I think that is true…until we realise that there is nothing we can control but ourselves. There comes a point when we all realise that neither remaining silent nor taking action to get your way helps. Then it’s just you, the four walls and the madness.
Truth be told, I am just making it up as I go along while being optimistic about my life and the people in it. A few days ago I was yapping on and on about something when a friend touched me gently, ‘It is okay..’ That small gesture was so….disarming, along with the look of empathy in his eyes.
Everyone and everything is a mirror of who you are or who you no longer can be….and this is what I forgot while yapping. We either get super involved in the drama of others or put our heads in the sand and make decisions based on choices that are not ours (a wonderful cop-out!). This happens to everyone until it no longer does. And that by itself is a conscious choice.
I have learnt that being untrue makes me feel uncomfortable in my skin. That feeling comes ahead of the words forming in my mind or the actions that follow in turn. I feel itchy and scratchy all over and life is too damn short for that.
My one friend ( yes, I have many) once said that I am always checking boxes. Yet it’s not the boxes of others that I am scrupulous about, but mine. Even if I make a decision that is selfish, at least it is my own. One I won’t recant, apologize or need to atone for. The burden is my own.
Eish, this was a long rant. Yeah, you guessed it. I blog to remind and instill the beliefs I chose to cling to. Or to expose the lies I tell myself. Then I sing to let go of it all. And yes, again you are right. I am working on and through my issues so no one else has to deal with it. Laying the foundation for greater mental wellness while preparing fertile soil for someone new to enter my life. Hey, says this new amazing man I will fall madly in love with….that lady has her shit together. And I will. Eventually. Until then the rants must continue!
It is a choice…to get ahead of my fears, or the projections of others. To start and end my day it in a manner that feels good. It is a choice to be true in every instance….or fail to be so and take ownership or not.
I know what it feels like to be untrue, give away my freedom and become willfully blind for love or out of guilt.
And that is no longer a person I recognize when I look in the mirror. I might see a glimmer of her in the eyes of others when I sing. But that’s where and when it ends. Damn, I feel like I deserve a whiskey right now after preaching to myself for so goddamn long…
Alas, all I have is what I made – Italian Garlic soup with croutons and a bacon quiche. Yeah, I’ll have some of that instead but before I do… Always get puff pastry for the crust, instead of making my own and thicken the soup. My father calls it fancy white people soup when I offer him anything that doesn’t have chunks of meat in it and is too thin. Also, add more bacon in the quiche next time! Seriously, everything tastes better with more bacon! Anyhoo, I digress.I will have some of that and read a chapter or three in a long, hot bath while contemplating all the culinary sins I committed in the kitchen. That’s the perfect way to end a Sunday!