I just returned from Afrika Burn and the real world is settling back in my bones, along with my daughter’s very logical voice. She is so focused, so determined. Lately, what she offers are not lovely calls as much as…progress reports. My daughter, the scientist, is on a mission to change her life first and foremost.
Writing music or singing required I look, no stare, deeper at the inner workings of my heart first, that I tackle what my ego demands or what the world thinks is injust or fair. Some days as I sit at the piano…I let my ego run free and break down the foundations of worlds I constructed. Boom. Bam. Pow. Down you go great wall of china! Take that Berlin, you mofo…
At times, what my heart quietly whispered ran counter to everything in my life, everything that “worked” according to others. And so I ask myself, ‘do I play this game with you? Your game, even if I do not believe any of it?’ Sometimes I played along, but never for long. Only to see if I could, to test my own inner resolve. The most recent example being working at the radio station. Logically, it could have lead to bigger, more lucrative opportunities – had I played “the game”. But I could not….without twisting myself inside out and coming home feeling sick every day.
A friend often spoke about the sacrifices people make, the hard slog, the killing of self for money, for comfort, to provide for family. The choices we do not have or are not given. Or think we cannot make. I saw firsthand how making those kinds of choices ruined my relationship with my now ex husband. Gods man, we were so young! I can hear him at times when my daughter speaks. He has a brilliant mind….and so does she. All I can do is hope she consciously adopts traits from both of us that serve her. The key word being – consciously.
Me? Everyday I try my best to remain silent, to listen. Is this my ego loosing its shit or my heart? And am I capable of being neutral? Is any of what I believe true? And what am I beling shown about the world I live in and my beliefs around it? I try to remind my daughter of this when we talk. Observe baby. See what’s reflected to you girly. And do not leave your heart behind…
I am on my way to Matt later today and know I will cry when I see him. He is one of my islands of safety, that mad man. How do I find the words to describe to him how foolish I felt when my mind switched off at the Burn?
I know, I know….breathe….All I need to do, all I can do, is find my way back to neutrality, to balance. And then one small thought at a time, one action after the other, plot a new path. Yeah. Take the advice I give my daughter in essence…and focus the way she does.