When annoyed, upset or frustrated….I write words or Music. My Mother recalled, ‘Even when you were small you would write before you said anything.’ A few days ago I spoke to students at Pennsylvania University and confided, ‘ I write Music about getting laid before I commit to the deed…’ I either write or run, bounce the fuck on out of there. To re-group, balance myself out before speaking.This act of recalibration is a source of deep concern for those closest to me.
When surrounded by a world of people who use words callously, without thought, who scream and shout, often resorting to physical violence, or worse still employ deception, stubborn silence in the face of danger – what options are really available to one, eh? I would rather remove myself and find balance. Before I get up to a world of shit. I wish more people would self regulate. Instead of spewing ugly words on the bodies of others.
Perhaps that’s the beauty of being alive. Contrast is everywhere. With every interaction a second, a moment is given to decide. Just who you will be when your back is against the wall or when you have everything?
I offer people what I was most in need of when my life fell apart. Time. Silence. Gentleness. A holding space, a little bit of safety. Whether it is given in return is neither here nor there. I am capable of finding that within myself, but at times their needs overwhelms even me. That’s when I find myself alone, smoking and looking at my cats who have been with me for so long. Or I think of my father and wash the dishes. I do love a sparkling kitchen.
Life offers contrast and choice, I remind myself. Love is simply the ability to embrace all that is. Very often people step into our lives to show us all the barriers against love, their greatest gift. All our subconscious fears on display, gloriously alive as that person fucks out in front of us.
And that’s when I write Music. That’s why I sing. To find a measure of peace….to even out my own sharp edges against love, some kind of acceptance of what is. If that means removing myself from an individual for a while then so be it. But when I do speak…there is no anger, no judgement, no projection; every word steeped in intention. Most people do not know what to do when I speak from that space. I lost lovers, friends and family members….and that’s okay. This world is vast, and the gods never leave us without what we need most.