I write when peace decides to play hide and seek with me. Written a while ago.
There is so much they dont tell you about this Growing Up business. The only certainty being – there are places you need special admission to enter. Grown up places for Serious people who attempt to unravel the secrets of the universe while cooking, reading, or working shitty ass jobs just to get by.
Get married, raise babies, try out new dishes, entertain friends. Speak of boring work, exciting work, work that pays too much, too little. Make small mistakes, big mistakes. Concoct plans for a future that might never arrive. Why not chase idols in the quiet of your own mind, eh? After all, is anyone really listening anymore?
While playing it safe ….there’s a knock on your door. Love and Lust decided to make their unwelcome guest appearances. That’s when it gets real dicey real quick. All those pop songs gain political awarness demanding Revolution! Heads must roll! Change is Gonna Come, they sing! Let Freedom Reign! Hallelujah! Amen! All the while you are being consumed from the inside out. Seduced by bright lights and pretty bodies.
Once, not so long ago, you tell yourself, there were vast stretches of land where pockets of happiness were sown right into your skin. They were stitched so tightly, happiness to your bones, you realised too late. Your heart always belonged to the Outside Lands. Outside of where and who you are. Instead you became a collector of forgotten things, a silent passenger on a river of broken bones.
I love the Silence that inhales and consumes everything. People. Places. Good things. Shitty experiences. Bad men. Jealous woman. Unheard prayers. Mediocre sex on the beach or fucking amazing sex to music I won’t be caught dead listening to. A Silence well fed churns out Music with ease, and that’s the real secret every musician knows.
I want to tell my daughter…. forget about the vast lands of happiness where needles lurk around every corner demanding blood. Don’t play the I Know Better Game. It will fast track you to a thousand Bad Places where the words on the page keep changing. Forget about those Serious People who have new ideas and old vices, or old ideas and new vices. Why not fall in love with a world that knowingly closes its one eye while you are sinning, eh? Hallelujah….amen.
All the world is a stage and all the people actors in it. You heard that somewhere didnt you? Except in my world ….I am all of it. The damn stage included. Playing out every possible mad and tragic scenario, my mind divided so many times I forgot all the shiny reflective faces staring back at me….are me. The awareness makes a quick and easy exit as my dream world evaporates. But the truth is ….I enjoy the Silence of being an audience members way too much to clean the windows of my slaughterhouse.