My Father never understood why we are so attached to our phones. Often he would look at me, shake his head as he pointed at the small screen in my hand. I was always documenting my scattered thoughts, to find perspective and, if I am lucky enough, transform those crazy thoughts into Music. Whether it was on my phone or a notebook.
I mention this as I was collating bits of writing into one document. While processing and editing it occured to me I could pinpoint each sentence, who they were tied to and the exact phrases that eventually became Music. For the last eight years or so!
Do you want to know when I stopped writing for more than one day? At Afrika Burn. Gods I was so scared of loosing my way I felt compelled to write. Of course I ended up lost regardless. Later at Summercamp after my father died. My notebooks were a means to an end, a self defense mechanism at times – a convenient wall. Enabling me to be the perpetual observer, the songwriter who never suffers writer’s block. And should be left in peace. There is an up and downside to everything – even writing in my notebooks! Being able to share my thoughts has kept me sane. I mentioned this in one of my podcasts….but there is a darker side that I only recently became aware of…
I mentioned meeting many new people, yes? Yet, even that experience has reduced to one question as the chit chats and meet ups progress: what are you reflecting back to me? The question matters as I am not lonely or greedy to get laid. Neither am I looking for love. Expanding my circle yes, and so discernment matters. Daddy, you will be glad to know I no longer need a notebook as I have internalized and refined the process over the last few years. My walls are firmly in place. Dammit.
Do you know what I really need? I need to laugh! And sing… perhaps embark on a mad adventure of sorts! Or maybe silence is needed. Or so much noise I can barely think! No. I need to jump out of my head and into my heart, as cheesy as that sounds. Allow myself to feel more and not constantly analyse as though I am a therapist or worse still…a scientist watching some weird experiment – wondering if I can predict the next move or puzzle out what’s around the corner…