The only currency of real value is your attention. I recall one evening, at the start of Lockdown, looking at my phone and realizing…this is the ultimate casino, this little device in my hands, and we are all addicts being milked. Armed with colorful icons, rewards, bells, whistles and well thought out distractions. The wolf you feed is the one that grows. Where attention goes, energy flows. And slowly, insidiously, we are robbed of our agency.
I often ask myself, ” If I look at the contents of my mind, how much of what I think is filled with fear, doubt and bullshit anxiety? How would I behave if I were not? Would I do anything differently?” Often times, the answer is yes. If I were braver…
Many years ago a friend said,” Auriol, you need to know how to play the game!” What game is this, I wondered? Who decides how it is played? What are the rules? Is everyone in on it? Why can I simply not speak my truth in a calm and ordered manner? Why all the subterfuge? The gods answered me in a way only they can. Interesting people were put on my path. Those who refuse to listen, who have no patience. In some instances even slick and sly people. It took a good long while to see them as they are. A means for me to be more honest, more truthful. In other words, they came bearing gifts. They left my side eventually.
I use writing to clarify my thinking, my beliefs. The Music allows me to piece it all together and release. Two years ago I destroyed my teenage journals. Lawdy lawd. It was rather funny. That’s a version of myself I no longer recognize. I tend to burn and purge. Old clothes not worn for months are donated. As are books, gifts. Anything that no longer is representative of who I now am…is gifted or chucked. In other words, I travel light.
Next time you decide to watch a movie, pay attention to how it makes you feel. Or when you engage with someone….ask yourself (and this is gonna be hella hard)….if I were the best version of myself…would I choose you to be at my side?