FB…reminds me constantly…perhaps I really was a lunatic! The amount of times I spoke about Ben Harper’s music is ludicrous! People never really understood, and after a while I got bored of explaining. He mattered because of the purity of his musical intent. Dude is about Music and creating perfect sound.
Why am I mentioning this? I. Feel. So. Uninspired. I am flatlining on the musical front. I have no desire to write music or apply for funding. I have no….desire. Once upon a time the rush of uncertainty was what I found exhilarating. Alas, no longer it seems…
My week is filled with people and wonderful babies making noise. Radio interviews and trying not to freak out while I figure my way round the technical aspects, as my co host and I chat away. I need silence when I get into bed. As every part of my day is filled with sound. When home on weekends, I let my Mother chat away while I watch her animated face. I adore my damn mother. But I have no desire to speak. I just let her good vibes wash over me while I make her some tea and something to eat.
Then I follow the sun the entire weekend. I move around with the sun’s rays. From one spot to the next, all the books I am reading lugged with. Allowing myself to be swallowed into a completely different world, is what I need. It has been years since I escaped so thoroughly into a book. Years since last I required such an escape.
I use to be one of those people to answer every inquiry with speed. Not anymore. If it is work related and weekend or after 7pm during the week…the answer is no. I need to safeguard my space and sanity. Hence. I do not look at anything work related after 7pm. Neither do I answer texts or mails. Boundaries, I have them now. I especially do not listen to the radio anymore. Any radio. Ever.
Perhaps the truth is that I am tired. So I am allowing myself to…..rest, to be tired and not share my own….music….for a while. I am gonna let life, like my Mother’s smile, wash over me while I close my eyes and wait for the warmth of the sun to find me. And when it doesn’t, I listen to music that breathes for me. Yes, Winter is for Lovers. Although, in my case…Winter is for Mourners.
Gods. I cant wait for Summercamp. The mountains. The music. Friends. Last year I danced away much of my grief. What shall I exorcise myself of this time around? Ah yes. I am gonna dance my heart open again. Yes. It’s time and I am ready. I have been ready for a good long while, but the idea of Ancestors (whose drawings tattoo ancient rocks ) hearing me, is a blessing. New energy, new love.
In the meantime….rest…the sun…books and my Mother. The antidote to all my ills.