It was once said, by my favorite musician in the known and unknown worlds, that nothing prepares you for your art more than your life. I would take this one step further and say, nothing prepares you more for your own life…than your own damn life. The music, like most great things, follows in its wake…
Once I allowed the world to lie to me. The lie went as follows. You should not be where you are. Your world should be bigger. Filled with more things, bigger stages, a wider audience who actually gets you. Instead of the heathens who want me to cover other peoples music. Seriously girl, what the hell are you doing wrong to be stuck where you are eh?
And then the pandemic hit.
My world was always a small one. Even though I have a huge voice and know how to kick it on stage, I enjoy silence and small crowds. Speaking gently and chilling. Saying that I wasn’t as affected as many of my extroverted friends would be a lie. However, the pandemic didn’t bother me as much as being deprived of cigarettes has!
Daddy dying threw me off. That changed everything. It made me appreciate all the small and wonderful things. Suddenly the world was just too big, the grief too overwhelming and I could not open my mouth to sing a single note for months. Let alone have a coherent conversation with anyone outside my family in person!
I have no doubt bigger stages will find me. No doubt that love will come. But bladdy hell, I no longer care as much. How did this happen, I wondered? Ah yes, Daddy dying made me see my life for what it is. Without judgement and with a great deal of empathy. I am rather glad I had no one of significance in my life as the pandemic hit. As I would not trade being with my family for anything.
Do I miss the stage? Of course yes. Along with the admission arrived the real reason why I love music. The ability to share a truth, whether it is rooted in anger, lies, fantasy or any other distorted emotion matters more. In fact, take away the music and the reason for my being remains the same.
Simply sharing space with anyone I care for is a gift. Anywhere. Any place. Regardless of the space, big or small.
My sister is urging me to go back on the dating scene. I am, honestly, so bored. I can speak to anyone about anything. The real problem that occurs is as follows. Most men find my ability to share so freely….intriguing and so make numerous assumptions. Look, just because we get along like a house on fire does not mean I wanna jump you or be your girlfriend. My small world became a great deal smaller. Not only smaller but….cleaner.
You are the source of everything you attract in your life. You. Your beliefs about the world and the people in it. You.
Right now, I feel at ease. Grateful for every day spent with people I love. The way I honor them is with and through Music. By sharing what is real or truthfully felt. Regarding love? The gods know me well enough to bring me what I need when I need it. If it is not in my life, there is a good reason for that being the case.
See what I just did? I looked at my life for what it is….without moaning. Hehe
Okay, I am gonna take a nap and not move for an hour.