Music and writing, the beginning and middle parts…are solitary. As is almost everything I enjoy doing. No wonder the gods always push me into places with so many people! Here. Deal. Let’s see what you will do lady, they seem to say. You wont be able to escape back into being alone. Not this time. “Hou vas vrou! Dinge gaan rof raak!” For the most part I manage well.
I pray every day for the ability to create something wonderous. Breathtakingly beautiful. Show me the way towards that Music. That has been my only prayer where music and my enite life is concerned. But so much of what we call life requires managing people. Managing how we feel, our expectations.
Almost every relationship required I answer a few questions. Is this someone you can see in your future? How much of your real self can you share with them? Do you feel safe? These are questions I can answer much quicker lately. Isnt that the gift of discernment?
I also am deeply aware of the very second it all falls to shit. You know that moment when you really see someone. Rose colored glasses off. I breathe my way through those ‘You have no place in my life’ moments. Or those…”I have outgrown this place with you” conversations. In fact, those moments now come with….peace. I am no longer afraid to let go. Of anyone. We are all only human. Forgive their lapses of judgement as well as your own and sally forth dammit…is my mantra.
I tell my daughter. “You are going to die. As is everyone around you if you live long enough. You might not deal with it well, but you will deal.” She did not respond to that well when my father passed. The last few years reminded me I can always find my way back to myself.
As mad as it might sound I am glad I grieved alone. Glad I didn’t escape into anyone’s bed, into whiskey when I felt I was gonna break apart with loneliness. I wrote and sang my way out. I had good people at my side but never made any of them responsible for my happiness. I alone determine that. Death is just a door we step through. A door I will step through when the time comes. I would prefer those I care for have a glass of whiskey with them, loud ass music, dancing and no regrets!
Every moment between that door opening and where I stand now….will be embraced. Along with the love I know is on its way to me. How do I know? I can almost smell this man and the life he brings, that’s how. And when he comes…I will do what I always do. Stare in amazement at the beauty of love reflected. Write and sing my way through every second the love blooms…my heart wide open and my feet on the ground.
We are never alone. Never left without. Time swallows itself and our hearts, if they are open enough, keeps surprising as it heals and regenerates. Bringing more and more of the sublime towards us. And if our hearts never heal …even that is a choice only you get to decide. So decide before life forces you to.