In the last few years, when anything goes wrong, certain phrases circle. Becoming a whirlpool of light cutting out all the noise. All the ugly words and things we tell ourselves. Until those phrases are all I can hear. All I choose to hear. I won’t entertain nonsense self talk. Even talk that paints me the victim and another the aggressor. And so I sit and wait until a slow peace finds me. Granted, it might take a bit longer some days.
So many things have gone wrong, and continue to. After Noel died I felt like I was loosing my mind. I was not this bereft after my father’s passing. Still, I made certain decisions when I could feel myself slipping off the walls. No excessive alcohol. No men. No distractions, or any substance that removes a smidgen of my cognitive abilities. And no bullshit thinking.
There are certain songs I can no longer sing. Perhaps they were written when I was a complete mess. Once upon a time I thought it a weakness to sing my troubles away or to write before I speak. I no longer do. Writing allows me to confront the thoughts and feeling I hide from others, myself. Singing brings release from deep inside of me. And that’s how I maintain my peace. Clarity of thinking. Clarity of being. My heart is no longer as fractured. And I am more capable of being present for those I choose.
One small thing at a time, I remind myself. One thought kinder than the next. For yourself. For another…and breathe….everything passes. Make music, sing. You are not alone. You never were. Speak. Choose. Act when you are ready.