I remember telling a friend the following: I am not interested in saving the world and its people. I just wanna save my child. And that’s when I shaved my head the first time. My kid ended up saving her damn self of course. Regardless of who is at our side, we all end up saving ourselves in the end.
There’s no Knight, no king, no gold at the end of the rainbow or insane over the top declarations of love. Just me. Just you and the skin we live in. Best we make do with who we are and what we have eh?
Yet when people we love hurt something within us cracks wide open, and all manner of monsters and boogie men come a crawling out. They hide around corners and under our bed, hardening our hearts as they pull the blankets off our beds at night.
My heart has been cracking open for as long as I can remember. However, I am no longer afraid. I can take care of my own heart and my own being when things get rough. In the meantime my head will get shaved and more ink placed on my body. We all need reminders.
We learn how to love from the people we encounter. One of the greatest gifts one of my ‘persons’ taught me was being generous. Previously I was married to a man who was stingy with his emotions. We both became that way when we lost track of each other. I burried everything I felt in music and forgot what being generous with my heart felt like. I carry that remembrance with me now, thanks to him.
Perhaps that’s how it should be. We take the best of how we were taught to love and share that with another. Little by little our heart crack open and bloom until deserts are transformed into forests and the air moist with water.
When viewed that way it makes being human easier. We are all on our way to becoming something other. Or perhaps returning to our original state, emboldened by love’s grace.
I don’t know any of the answers to the questions I lose sleep over….and that’s okay also. We all know what Rilke said about loving the questions themselves don’t we?
Besides if I knew all the answers my time on this rock would be over and my ashes strewn over a hiking trail near our favorite mountain. And then I have to haunt everyone I love and care for, as I promised I would. Don’t worry, I already have a few ideas. One has to have things to look forward to…
I can’t wait to get back on stage and sing. This will be one of the songs on my setlist.