We all make decisions. About every aspect of our lives; who we choose to love, what and who we leave behind. I have left many people in my past for various reasons, and have been left by others. This is the way of it. Or the way we have been taught.
We assume attack, mistrust or any kind of twisted horror story to suit the narrative. I have been there. In fact, just by taking a good listen to the Music penned, my hurt and wounding seeped through. There are certain songs I cannot listen to anymore.
Why these wounds? Why did I find comfort in words and music alone? Why the need to plead for understanding? Why did I always choose to leave?
The last few years have been clarifying above all else. As I had to deal with a few crisis alone. Many of us found ourselves in a similar position, and the desire for true change resulted in decisions being made. Promises made to ourselves in the dark are being honored.
In my past I have been accused of not showing care. Once upon a time I felt deeply hurt by the accusation. Yet, I am not the overbearing in your face lady. I am not that person who calls and checks in every few minutes, who needs constant reassurance that “we” (whatever form that may take) are okay. I just assumed others operated in the same manner….
And that’s where the trouble began! I made assumptions about the needs of others. There was a reason I was deeply attracted to men who had activist energy. They were unafraid to risk it all dammit! Fight the power! Fight the corporate overlords! Hell, fight anyone who stands in the way! Once I integrated that quality with the help of Music the desirability of those men…..disappeared.
If I have uncertainty around any matter – I ask. I make sure my intentions are very clear from the start. This is my way. Yet, it has often been mistaken as a ‘you don’t need me or anyone’ trope. My choices will not based on need or fear. A decision I made after my father’s death, a gift of him dying. I deeply admire the strength being vulnerable affords.
The new album does not contain happy songs. I am purging through Music. Leaving behind every disappointment and hurt – imagined or real. Yes, I am performing my own little magic trick. After all, music is a spell. I decided to become my own alchemist, my own high priestess….and sing it all away. This is how I found a measure of peace. Never in the arms of anyone.
In the end we make decisions, about every aspect of our lives. The only difference being the detours we take. Isn’t that what we all desire? To create an alternative path that brings true connection and healing? A small something magical to serve as a reminder that we are loved as is and never alone? Music is my gateway, my path…..what’s yours?