My Mother takes any and all opportunities to visit family, especially her elders. My Mother’s aunt is busy dying…and I know she knows.
Of course, it reminded me of my father. In June we have been without him for a year. It took my daughter saying, in her blunt Aries way, that we have all been through some rough things. You need something to shift, something good to come your way, she said. It only made sense now. She was speaking about my career.
My heart feels like it is about to break….for my Mother again. I can’t bring myself to sit in the room with her as she speaks to her aunt. Death has become something I can feel. It is no longer a vague concept wrapped in fear or myth. Again, it was my daughter who said something along the lines of, ‘I know how you are struggling. You wonder if all the sacrifices you made for Music was even worth it…’ She is right of course. Other friends reckon it is time for me to be happy and embrace love. I can’t even think that far.
My plan of action? Be more…disciplined and focus on everything I do. Although, there is much I cannot control or even foresee, I have to trust in something bigger than myself. In miracles and magic. The very idea that life or Music can no longer surprise is a thought I cannot entertain.
I don’t know how my Mother does it. Her heart is wide open and her faith strong. Me? I doubt, work through it as best I can, write music and escape into the lives of people I love. Even this my daughter picked up on. You, Mother, feel uninspired.
For now yes. The last few years have been tougher than I care to admit. I I write everyday to keep a careful eye on my fears, while remaining grateful for everything I have, everything I am.
One day at a time. For now…my Mother is my lighthouse. And that’s okay. For now, that’s all I need.