‘Did you sleep well during the weekend my girl?’ asked Gilda when I rocked up at her home. I barely thought about it when I woke up tired this morning. In fact all I want to do is remain in bed. The past few days were busy and surprising.
My friend, a Mother of twins, left me in absolute awe as she handled those magical and rowdy boys – with such composure. Mind you, she was always wired that way. We cooked, baked, laughed, barbequed, had whiskey and made music. I found what I needed so close to home. And enjoyed every minute of it.
As I watched my friend I wondered about two things. Would I have the space, honestly, for another kid? A freshly baked teacup human? I like being surrounded by kids and a big family. It infuses and inspires different sounds, music and perspectives on everything. I love the noise and creativity that being around children requires. Besides, I miss making blanket forts. But…a spanking new ball of humanness? I don’t know. Perhaps that is not what the gods have in mind for me.
Oh, we have a new addition to our family. My brother’s wife gave birth… and finally, after all the drama and issues….we have a Benjamin in our family. Granted it is his second name but I am calling that kid Ben….and it’s pointless anyone arguing with me about it.
The other realization that hit me was this. When I meet men lately the only question I ask even as I talk to a seriously delicious man is this – how much work are you gonna be dude? That is a horrid thought to be plagued with. Yet, I can’t shake it. How much work and nurturing will you need and how far away will you take me from Music and the things that matter to me? This is why I don’t actively engage. I need to find a way to transform that thought before someone amazing steps into my life.
I do feel guilty that my focus is on music alone at times. But I would rather lose myself in a something and someplace I can navigate my way through than some man who is gonna cause me to lose sleep. I know, I know… the gods know me well enough to make plans involving my heart without consulting me. It works out best that way, even I must concede.
Now I am going to try my best to fall asleep before 4am.