I just watched a movie called The Art of Self Defense. It deals with toxic masculinity and is a slow paced ‘what the hell is gonna happen next’ kinda film. With all this talk about toxicity, I questioned myself and asked ‘Just how toxic am I?’
The best place to start, in my estimation, was the worse place, of course. Every altercation or breakup I experienced seemed like a great starting point. I know, I know…no one wants to go down that black hole do they? However, I do find certain truths can be gleamed at when anger steps into the ring, slaps you around and leaves a bruised eye or a broken heart.
People are a great deal more truthful when angry. It is best to pay attention, remove the emotional trigger and take an objective look at the what’s and why’s of it all. Me? I am accused of being…closed off and aloof. Running away from love or care and refusing to accept help of any kind. The very characteristics I fought against most of my life. Hence, when I write music or sing…my heart is so exposed. Is this really who I am, I ask myself? Is this really want I need?
We are injured, the lot of us. Whether our parents meant well and tried their best or whether they were assholes. It’s these wounds we came here to heal. I chose music as a tool, my scarlet thread I cling to as I stumble through the maze, searching for light.
Do you want to know what the biggest realization was? And this was also said to me in anger by the way. Stop seeing the best in people! I considered this for a small while. Test them here and there. Set small and big traps to test loyalty. It just became tiring!
You see, sometimes people forget just how luminous they are. I found this to be true for every man I fell madly in love with. I saw something in them they forgot…and then forgot myself along the way. Inwas so dazzled by their light I forgot my own. Balance is key. It really is an art – how not to loose yourself while loving another.
This is why I have been single for the last two years. We all have options galore, roads we can travel down freely. But why? Just to get laid? Prove that we are desirable, to gain validation? Or is it the fear of dying alone that haunts? Perhaps this is why people drink, drug and fuck with such abandon. Remembering the light, the love is just too damn painful.
Over these last few years, I discovered what matters most when dealing with people. Those I love should never doubt my what I feel. As my toxicity, or pride made them feel as though I do not need them, the furthest thing from the truth.
There will be no cowardice on my part. Not again. Not anymore. When failing to be honest, I became toxic. I poisoned myself. Broke my heart more than anyone else could.
One of the matriarchs in our family once told me, ‘Auriol, men don’t just want to sleep with you. They want you to love them…’ That shocked me. I have female friends who are so much more intelligent and frankly, hotter. But since 2019, I realised that there are so many people who are dead things, their hearts cold. So why not offer warmth and understanding? Why not listen deeper? Why not pick up the phone when they call? The big difference being this – I have gained insight into how balance feels under my skin. I know how to appreciate the shine, the gold in other, allow them to reflect that back to me…and maintain my center.
And when I do become toxic…it’s the piano I meander towards. That’s how I confront my darkness, my fears. So they won’t spill on to other people. I am careful and a great deal kinder. I do urge people to take more risks with their hearts or deepest desires, to allow the fear to run through their bodies and into the earth. As this is what I am learning to master.
One small step at a time. By giving what I am capable of giving. Honestly of self being my only weapon of choice. I do not demand anything of anyone. I was told that I should take what I want and stop being so damn nice. But… I once heard the following…what you ask for in peace comes to you by the way of peace. That shit is deep man!
So just what are you secretly asking for…in peace or anger? Just how toxic are you and how are you trying to heal those wounds eh?