This question is possibly, for me at least, what plagues and intrigues me most. Is it true? Are the feelings I am experiencing true, an accurate reflection of who I am?
It’s easiest to answer this question when one is in conflict. When you are catapulted into a space where you are forced to really look at yourself, when there is nowhere to turn to…Anger is a great clarifier.
When I am in a tricky place with another the only thing I pay attention to is this: does what the person say or the experience I am in the centre of, offer anything of value? It’s easy to blame the other, to claim they are mean, that bad intent drives their actions. If we are feeling especially hard done by we can even get all our friends to agree with us. You are in the right here dammit! Clearly, there is something wrong with them, anyone can see this is just crazy! And perhaps that chorus singing behind us serves a purpose…at first.
One has to delve deeper than surface allegations and feelings, in my thinking. What is the core beliefs that causes me to feel this way? That makes me feel happy or pained by what I am going through? Once we get to that belief, we are in a position to decide what shows up next. As we are not running on default, factory settings, reactive to any stimuli, poke and prod.
Every interaction I had that caused a measure of pain or elation boiled down to – Love. Just how is it I chose to show love and experience it in turn? What flawed beliefs lay hidden in dark corners that lead to the ‘positive’ and ‘negative’ expressions of that love. Yeah….a huge question, isn’t it?
If I look at my life in this very second, this is what becomes apparent. The belief I am choosing to embody and that my life is a reflection of, is this: I am a safe place for others. Not because I need validation or to fill some void in my life. I am a safe place for others because this is how I chose to show love and compassion. We all chose what we believe is true. At times we chose it out of fear yes. But I choose this with full authority.
And with that belief came a host of lessons around discernment and boundaries. I remember a friend telling me in the desert, ‘Auriol, this is the role you always played. Not only for your family but for everyone. You do know this don’t you?’ I didn’t know the extent of it, the price I paid…
Once upon a time, I allowed anyone with even a bit of brokenness into my life. Or sometimes with their everything broken. This is how I learnt what does and doesn’t resonate and the frequency I chose to vibe with. This is how I learnt the tribe I chose to be a part of at every point in my life. Whether it was a tribe of two or of hundreds.
October and November are already set to be busy. Music and friends being the main theme. Yet, behind even those interactions I initiated lies the same belief. I am a safe space and so are the people I chose to spend any amount of time with.
I joke about being a rogue and a rapscallion often. Yet, that is a part of my being I relegate to music and creative writing. That is a safe place for it. I do this to neutralize those impulses. I never suppress, and most certainly not to act on it. Unless I chose to, with full awareness of the pleasures and pains that comes with it.
Tell me, do you know why you are where you are now? Did you chose those beliefs and similarly the actions that follow in their wake, with full awareness? Is every part of what you experience true, an accurate assessment of who you are? Do you feel more peace and ease of being?
I hope so dammit! And if not….be gentle with yourself. Everything is a process remember.
Okay, and now let me start with what needs doing and pick a song to fuel my day. I hope you do the same and have a great time wherever you are!