So many things have happened and continue to happen. Things over which I have no control. On those days I stay in bed, listen to music that makes me sadder than I ought to be and swallow everything. My tears, my doubts and all the fears that sit alarmingly close to my skin.
The idea of writing music when every bit of me hurts and I can find no peace worries those who love me. Tell us what’s wrong, they ask. We want to understand they say. But all I can do is walk; to the beach, the lagoon, stare at the sky and beg the gods for an answer, a sign, a way of being while I smoke at night.
First a confession. I have belonged to myself for so long that I do not know how to share myself with anyone. Yet life continues to happen and fall apart. I can hear Gilda saying, ‘My girl, they are not falling apart! They are falling into place…’ And still my mind silently screams… Give me whiskey and music so loud I can’t think or a lover in whose skin I can lose myself in…
Of course I know what to do. I have to write music and sing. Howl away the things, the words, the people, the pain that escapes me during my waking hours. And with every performance I feel evened out, relieved yet…so terribly exposed. Now you know, audience who listens closely enough, just where I hurt and why. Do you see it within me, within yourself?
Sometimes I wish I was less. Less honest. Less cautious. Less fussy. Less serious. Less introspective. Less caring. Less intense. Less emotional. But I am who I am and when those first chords hit everything I have tried to hide from myself pours out. It always does and all I am left with is this truth.
I am so flawed. So broken in places that I cannot string a sentence together around people I deeply love. But I am trying. Trying to see the light within myself by seeking it out in others and reminding them. They are loved. Never alone. They matter. That the world is a just a bit more beautiful because they are in it.
It might not be perfect or even any kind of answer..but it is a honest start and one that gives me peace. When that fails I take Ben Harper’s voice, wrap it around myself and fall asleep…