The last three years were littered with No’s. No. I no longer believe this to be true. About myself or the world I see. It is hella troubling, of course. On most days only my Mother and Gilda understand the inner workings of my heart….especially when yes is the only answer.
Once I overheard someone saying, ” I want to be with a man who has this…and that…and must be that tall…and that good looking…” blah, blah, blah. I asked honestly, “So who do you have to become in order to attract that kind of energy….?” Needless to say, my little question did not go down well. We are vibrational beings. At times certain individuals leave our lives because the two frequencies are no longer a match. In short, we outgrow each other. Or in order to remain together a recalibration is needed….which takes time and work. Hell. Some people are lessons. Hard, bladdy hard lessons!
Let me be honest for a second. I meet many men. Not only as a result of the dating app….but I am a jovial character even on my bad days. I have many options. Yet, I ask myself only one question after every encounter. How do I feel ? Does their being excite me? Leave me curious?
I am not unkind or untrue in any of my dealings, but I am very clear. I spent swathes of time in the company of individuals who could not provide answers or solid ground. I recall that feeling of unease and unworthiness….no one should feel the way I once did. Without answers, a ghost in their lives.
I remember Kevin’s words at Afrika Burn. “What happens in the Burn does not have to exist in the outside world.” Kevin, you were wrong, my friend. That magical world has a tendency to seep into our ‘real’ world. Hence, my commitment to carry the spirit of the Burn with me always. To remain true and excited about my every day life and those at my side. I do not want to wait for a few days in a year to let my freak flag fly! Hellnah Bruvs!
We arrive here intact, tied to the Godsource, knowing only Love. Second by second we are conditioned to place our beliefs and sense of wellbeing outside ourselves. In the hands of governments, husbands, family, work. And with every thought we become more and more fractured. Splitting apart until we crash and ruin. Our lives a big mess. I speak from experience…
I deleted the dating apps. In order to attract the Silence I spoke of yesterday, I need to cultivate it within myself first. We will find our way to each other, that man and I. And our collective Silence will be a thing of beauty. But until that moment comes, I have a busy and eventful life filled with absolutely mad humans around. I lack nothing.
Now to pack for Jhb. Sleep well wherever you are….X