I have this mad theory – how we love and who we love reflects needs and desires  we might not be aware of. Like a  program embedded by a surveillance agency in our bodies to dictate behavior in keeping with their agenda –  it’s best for our sanity we know the names of the puppet masters bent on our destruction . So here follows insights galore.

Last year this time…I just wanted to touch him and sniff him, get lost in the feel of his big hands enveloping mine as we lie asleep naked. He felt like the crazy magic that accompanies The First Time. The First Time I …got on stage, heard Ben Harper’s voice in Montreux , tasted a perfectly cooked rib eye steak accompanied with just the right whiskey, or spotted a ship sailing in the sky made entirely of cloud.  I soon discovered what matters most to me  are not the clouds in the sky but the ground under my feet.

Scorpios are known for two things: their desire for sexual intimacy and emotional intensity. A year later I have learnt to keep my deeply seated emotional imaginings to myself. When in a dark space it is my friends I turn to. Not a man I love or slightly like. I will however ensure he get a signed and sealed summary of events – if I like them enough. In short, I can take care of my damn self. Sexual intimacy stays as is. It is an unfortunate fact – there will always be options and distractions. Fodder for songs and reasons to fill my notebook. Yet it’s also entirely beside the point. I do not want to settle down or shag every delicious tall man I encounter. I need, more than anything, the space to simply be.

I don’t want Love to descend on me the way it did once. I need time. Brick by brick. One toe in the water please. Or I will bolt. As I bolted then and many times since. In fact I am beta testing the notion of moving at an alarmingly slow rate with everything in my life. Except Music.

Yet the truth is I loved being loved by him. There were moments of such singular beauty….Still. It is what I learned in the aftermath that matters more, remains with me and has changed how I chose to engage. In the wake of his love I was reminded of my capacity to feel and desire deeply . Despite everything. There is fight in me…and that was the real First I should never forget.

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