I think I heard someone say once, when commenting on a horror movie (vampires no less), “Most people walk around like half dead things…” For the last few years this has been my challenge. To keep my heart open and to not walk around feeling half dead. After all, it is easy to shut down if we do not get our way isn’t it?
Whenever high grade fuckery revealed itself, I decided consciously to ignore everything and find my balance first. As what another does or fails to do is their decision alone. Is it possible, I asked myself, to think of them with nothing but reverence and deep regard, despite what it may “look like” from the outside? Or conversely, how I might appear to others? Fuck man! That has not been an easy ride at all. I decided that the real question in every interaction is – what am I capable of giving, or sharing? And if its Music…it better be sincere above all else. Or a lot of damn fun!
Yet. Despite the madness of this year it has become easier to accept circumstances as they arise and people – as they present themselves….for the most part. A funny thing also occurrs regularly. Whenever I am plagued by a thought that stubbornly wont relinquish control – I see another caught in the same predicament. Voicing similar concerns and acting in all manner of ways. Almost as if the gods above and below are saying, “Look here lady girl, these are your options…whatcha gonna do now, eh?”
Music has played such an important role in maintaining my peace. Hell, I am not a saint and after my best friend passed a few months ago felt bereft. It did not matter knowing death is a door we all walk through. I felt alone and…angry. Abandoned. What else was there to do but write Music? I composed Music furiously and all those songs form part of my Musical Villian Canon. Yes, Music that says ….these are all the zero fucks I have to give! I wont lie, it was hella fun!
In the next few days I start writing Music again and am so curious. Just what and who will pop out of my mouth? Let’s wait and see…and what tangible experience, person or place shows up? That’s what makes life hella interesting….the mystery of it all. And I am here for all of it!