We are about to hike and spend time a place we have only ever visited with my father. I am sitting at the beach, smoking a cigarette alone. This entire area is filled with so many memories. It didn’t help that I had an altercation with my Mother either.
It occurred to me, regarding my blog post yesterday where I spoke about expanding my circle, that what I should do is allow people to not only see but know me. Know me without the music or the words. At best people see my walls, all the places that should not be breached, all the places where I hurt. But what is beyond those broken spaces, those places I do not allow anyone entry into? Only one person has seen that so far, knows my silences and what lies beyond it.
Memories of Daddy, the family, the forest and mountain are a bit overwhelming. Also, add in the fact that my Mother decided to not scatter the old man’s ashes and announced it as we started driving towards CT, does not help. Why am I really upset? Perhaps, I just want this grieving business to be done and my life to gain some normality ? Or maybe, it’s the fact, when looking at my life, that it has always been tied to what others want and expect of me. I will be honest – this never ended well in the past. I always escaped back into music, to find peace and be left alone. As that is the space they cannot intrude into. I simply won’t allow it.
I need to leave my family, Cape Town, South Africa. It’s not a want anymore. Not a magical escape plan or a fantasy filled with great music, whiskey and tall men. For my sanity, I need to find my own way and embrace what’s on the other side of the walls I carefully constructed. I need to allow people in. And cut people out even if they are family, even if they are close and it is considered ‘not nice’. I am not speaking of my Mother who I love and drives me crazy with her bossy, teacher-like ways.
My Mother who loved a hard and difficult man. He was so good to her towards the end. Is this what I want? Someone who treats me well only when he has no choice, when his life is tied to hers, his sanity as he faces death? No. This is why I bolt around difficult people and men in particular. People who treat me as though I am something special to retreat into when they need an escape from their real lives. Those who see me as a musician and nothing beyond that. And there’s the real hurt! I spent most of my life hidden as a child, a love child. My parents only married when I was seven. When I asked who my father was Daddy would say, Marco Polo! Later it turned into a joke of sorts…
And so I wrote a song called Who Wants To Be Green, based on a song he would sing to me. Ray Charles sang it also I think. The song is called It’s Not That Easy Being Green. Yet, I recall only now so many small hurts. Where it was advised I remain hidden, not speak, not be seen. So naturally, to heal that ancient hurt I attracted assholes or people in whose interest it was I remain voiceless and without power.
Again, one could argue that this is what happens when I hide behind walls. When I was unsure about what it is I need and want. And so attract madness into my life…and was left to feel unloved and unwanted. Fuck!
Breathe. Just breathe. Whatever happens it’s gonna be okay. Whoever comes into my life on and off stage it will work out just fine. Just keep walking….And those who do not take the time to know me where never meant to be in my life. I see and get it now. Thanks Old Man…for your mistakes and the love you showed in the end. I won’t carry your faults with me anymore.