As someone who has done both at the best and worse of times, whether in person or with Music…I am so deeply grateful for my journey of reflection since 2019. What have I learnt? I am not as good as I believe or as bad as I think. Last year gave me the clarity I needed.
I watched the movie Malcome and Marie a few days ago. The tag line being ‘This isn’t a love story, but a story about love…’ The movie was hard to watch at times, but thoroughly engaging. I couldn’t look away. I loved and hated both of them at times, while being hurled into their world as they argued during the entire movie. Why was I so affected? How, I asked myself, could people injure each other so?
This isn’t love, I thought. Yet, for a long time in saw my own parents throw landmines at each other, or try to negotiate their way during their own little Cold War. While I watched silently, saying nothing and wanting more than anything to disappear completely. My Daddy issues are healed. I cant begin to share with you just how liberating that feels. I engage with everyone, to the best of my abilities, the way I do with music. With joy and enthusiasm. Sometimes with reverence even. The epiphany being that they, like Music, are a gift.
Yet, just a few weeks ago I threw a hussy fit by ditching the music I had written over the last three years. Granted, the new music isn’t only more hopeful but it is more poetic also. Yet, this doesn’t mean I discard beautiful music because I was hurt. But first, I had to uncover what lay beneath my wounding, my hurt. Once I could do so, I took another look at the music and discovered not only what to do with the music in terms of sound, but also realized that the new music fits hand in glove with the old.
Sometimes we need to lose our marbles, be angry and state what we need. And anger has this magical ability to show clearly what you no longer want, what behavior you can no longer tolerate. The idea is to use that energy, transmute it somehow. Or reach a point of neutrality in order to make decisions not based in fear or guilt.
Our hearts will break….in millions of small little ways. For some more than others. We could argue and say….well, if you look at your natal birth chart and your D9 chart, based on the placements of this and that planet, you came here to experience this. Does it help? Sometimes it does. Other times not. All that matters is the meaning you give. The sense you make of it. So let the anger out, throw a hissy fit…and allow your wounds to bleed onto the floor and on other people if you must. As this is the year for all that’s hidden to be exposed. Globally as well as individually.
Should we be scared? Hell yeah man! Do I look like a damn saint hmm? But so what? Be scared. Own your doubts. So damn what! They are lighthouses in the darkest of stormy seas. Safety is a given, but the waters are dark and the waves towering and the circling sharks ravenous.
None of us are perfect. We have hurt and been hurt. Sometimes with intention and sometimes by accident. All we can do is own that, own our part in the mess, make peace and decide, minute by minute, to improve one small little ways…
Be gentle with yourself over there. Our hearts break in a million little ways each day. But how else to let the light in? How else to discover that your heart was never meant to be caged in your chest? That it is the lighthouse others need in their darkest hour. Your love. Your smile. The Music only you carry in your bones.
You are never alone. Never without love. Never without hope….and Music can be found everywhere you go.