Epiphanies claw their way to you. You may lie to yourself and deny not only their existence but their impact. Drink it away, fuck it away. Plaster and ply bullshit into your body so you don’t have to deal with it, with them. Yet, the truth will out and kick your ass. At times those epiphanies feel like the sharp thrust of a lover, bruises and marks all over your skin. At other times they drift towards you, a gentle sunset. Okay, where the hell am I going with this, I hear you ask…
I wrote a song called Forests in the Sun. The last line of the song goes as follows, ” Nobody hears the silent love song of the firefly as it paints light in the sky…” Sounds nice, right? I thought so to….until I found myself in a forest at night surrounded by what felt like hundreds of fireflies. In that second I understood the lure, the fancy, perhaps even the seduction of following them to a certain doom in the deep dark night. It reminded me of that singular instant when one falls in love so completely silence is the only response. I did not know whether to stare as the forest became a world mysterious or rush to anchor the emotions in my notebook….
Suddenly, the guilt I secretly harbored off stage, out of the studio, after rehearsals vanished. I wrapped the awe of falling in love around every bit of my skin for at least 2 years. That technicolor dream coat removed, insulated and comforted me from multiple realities called home, loss, uncertainty, grief, angst, things that needed doing during the worse of the pandemic. The first year of grieving for a father who never understood me.
So much Music was penned from that place. I felt guilt. Mildly stupid. Mostly foolish every time. Until tonight. And then the first line of the song resounded in my ears ” Could this be love or a seed that blooms forests?” Full circle. He was the seed. I am the fucking forest…my Last night was everything I needed it to be. I am ready for whatever comes next, the expanded reality of Music, the silent gravity of Love…and the candescant light of those fireflies rreminded me…everything for a reason, even the giving away of bits of one’s heart..for a small while. X