Category: My Blog

It’s funny how our ideas of happiness evolves. Once,  many moons ago, I measured happiness by the milestones I could achieve in my career. The only thing of consequence was music. I mistakenly believed I only had value under certain circumstances.  Only then was I worthy of being loved…

We are conditioned to believe we can achieve whatever we choose and do as we want. Free will and all. And so joy and Bliss becomes a selfish and very individualistic pursuit.This can lead to all kinds of high grade fuckery of course.

Yet, the last few years solidified within me a small truth I always suspected.  There is warmth and joy within the tribe.  Especially if each individual knows themselves, their flaws and talents. And they are willing to share the best of who they are, their warmth with those who need it. While being brave and vulnerable enough to admit their faults.

Sounds like some higgildy piggildy new age bullshit right? I can read you thoughts, “What is that lady smoking!?” Menthol cigarettes darling, my first after 10am, under a tree preferably…with a glass of ice cold water, thank you very much! But I saw it manifesting within my family and group of friends…

I will never forget a moment at Afrika Burn when we had to decide if two rather odd people would join our camp. Said David, ” Auriol, they are a bit lost, but we aren’t. So don’t  you think they would be safer with us?” And I had the deciding vote on the matter. How could I disagree after what David said eh? They stayed  and in the end became friends, the tribe expanding. Strange how the world works eh? We are taught how to love and be kinder in the oddest of circumstances.

What of Music you ask? Even that has lost its grandiosity. I no longer think of particular stages to perfom at. Instead, I love sitting at the piano only to be joined by my nephew as he helps me with lyrics. Even when the song involves….murder and whiskey!l ( he loves those!).  Or the banter with my band as we catch up with each other before a performance. The joy we feel when a band member plays exceptionally well in unexpected places. Those are the moments I cherish most…

When  we understand ourselves a bit better and embrace all of who we are; the good, bad and ugly….our hearts expand. It makes every moment from where we find ourselves…to wherever we are moving towards, a more peaceful journey. Less fraught with anxiety and self doubt. Even if we have no lantern to illuminate our way…

And let me be rather blunt. I lost my goddamn mind way before the pandemic! Composing music and writing has allowed me to remain saner than most. Still since 2019 I had to reassess everything, my people. Everything. Pandemic here. Few deaths over there. Dead father. Being celibate. Yeah. I feel much better about where I stand.

I am because we are – the definition of Ubuntu. A concept everyone was born with but were conditioned out of. Perhaps….all we need to remember is that we are hardwired to share, to love. As best we can. With whoever is at our side. It matters not if we failed to meet some insane standard we set for ourselves or accept from the outside. It only matters that we tried…and in that luminous moment gave it the best we could. It only matters that we wake up knowing we will try our damndest to love harder, to be kinder. Despite the fear, the risks, the anxiety…

Anyway. Those are my thoughts for the night. I am content. Even if conditions are not ideal. I can finally breathe.

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