The last few years required nothing but honesty. You, Auriol, will not lie to your damn self about anyone who enters your life, lives in your imagination or any aspect of your career. Accept where you are, who is at your side and embrace anything that brings joy (mostly Music and books). I refuse to plant more seeds of war within my own mind. Whenever a thought wants to seduce me with its counterintelligence and low grade fuckery, I ask myself only this. Would I accuse myself of what I accuse you of in the quiet of my mind? Then a small reminder. I am not that thought, that feeling. So the
process of unearthing landmines and extracting covert spies in alien and established territories have proven difficult, but my path is clear.
When’s the last time you admitted all the creepier crawlie thoughts that scare you? Or pointed out the caves and grottos the monsters inhabit during the daytime while you work? Or the secret faces of those you are avoiding, from whom you have to shield yourself? All my grievances, true or imagined are surrender every morning to the gods of Music. There is only so much I can deal with alone. The realization that I carry so much fear in my bones became very evident after my father passed.
Perpahs that’s the way of it. “Bad” things and even worse people enter our lives not to punish, but to awaken. My father was once the most terrible person. Years passed where not a word was spoken while I was a teenager living under his roof. There were no kind words, the threat of violence constant. From him I inherited a love of books and my need for silence. Being able to heal my relationship with him before he passed is what I am very grateful for. An achievement and badge of honor, if you will.
It’s a strangely human quirk, isn’t it? Once we stop judging other people we turn that malicious, twisted tongue on ourselves. There is no need for anyone to judge us. Already the jury has decided and the sentence passed. Death by firing squad. By drowning. With poison. A rusted knife. By being thrown off stairs. Death by loneliness.
I refuse to plant seeds of war in my mind or the minds of others. That’s my singular thought for the day.