Everyone is falling in love and having babies. Musicians are travelling and planning shows. And I find myself sitting in a beach house with friends, sipping whiskey as the sun sets while reading their tarot cards. I should have been a therapist/reader as I spend so much time with people, picking up their energies. God. I need to sing more.
Of course the weird thing happens also. They pick up on my energy and say, without fail….’Where does all the sadness come from, the tears….let it go’. The sadness I carry is not my own. I have nothing to be sad about. Daddy’s sick but I decided a while ago….life goes on. Kiss the old man, listen to his stories and chill out. There is no one I lose sleep over, ache with longing for or am dying to be with. Last time I felt that was three years ago. Sometimes I wish this was a lie….because…well…people are falling in love and having babies. Musicians are travelling and staging shows. And I am writing to you.
I have decided that I am going to fall in love when I am in Cape Town. Yes. Let’s try something new and see what happens. I know one cannot control these things and to be honest I have a few culprits in mind for this crime I intend to commit. It should be fun….because if I am not making music I might as well love someone for a while, have delicious sex and actually sleep well.
I love how I am not taking any of it seriously anymore, this life business. Facing your own mortality tends to do that. So much of my life revolves around others. Seeing them fall in love and have babies. Travelling and planning shows. Music allows me to be selfish. Strange isn’t it? On the one hand it opens one up to people,the gods…and then makes possible that moment when it’s all about me and no one else. Let’s face it. My life so far has never been about me. I am just this strange woman who finds herself around people who require something…
I am not complaining at all. A friend once said to me, ‘Have you made peace with the fact that this is who you are to people in your life? This is the part you play.’ My shaman read my cards and said, ‘You are the high priestess to the men in your life. They find you when their life is a mess and because you are not the average woman or musician – you give them hope.’
Dammit. As long as that high priestess isn’t celibate and poor you feel me? As long as she can sing, fuck around when the need arises and move freely….while people fall in love and have babies.
I get jittery when I don’t sing or write music. I was about to complain until I realised… I sat with musicians I visited and we wrote a new song, a single for the album that will be recorded this weekend. It wasn’t planned but happened anyway.
I think I will date an American this time round. Yes. Sounds like a plan. A tall one who is smart and has no existential angst or heartbreak he can’t heal from. Someone who makes me laugh and who I can ache over legitimately when he’s gone. My heart chakra…there’s nothing there. People I miss sure. Wish I could see yes. But ache for? No. Facing one’s ending makes certain things very clear.
This is where I go to when my world falls apart. This is who matters to me. As people fall in love and have babies, travel and plan shows – I use to wonder why am I not experiencing those things. What am I doing wrong here? Again this is more career related.
Until I was reminded – you are where people need you to be. Sometimes you won’t know that you need them more than they do you. There is something you need to learn from them. So sit and gaze as the sun sets, enjoy your whiskey with friends, listen, read their cards if it is needed, write, make music. Plan for a show when you feel the need to release.
And so it has always been.