I told both my Two First Husbands (best gay friends) that I am so Zen’d out I annoy myself. Even though I am planning two performances, sending off music, writing new music and meeting new …people. I feel nothing but chilled out.
It’s an odd thing how we go searching outside for what’s always closer than we think. Very often one’s life has to fall apart before the knowing settles.
No wonder I was always so obsessed with this idea of Love. Or fooled myself with the following notion: the more intense the love felt, the better the Music. It is and isn’t true. Some people are so rich from within I get ideas for Music just standing next to them. While others leave nothing, not a trace after so much time spent together. This use to bother me until well….Venus in Aquarius baby!
I have become so circumspect in my dealings with others. Words are counted. Actions taken carefully. Kinda like leaving a zero carbon footprint! Except humans dont work that way. We are born to affect each other and create change. From every person I loved deeply, I gained a greater sense of my own power, of what I stand for, what remains true and the contours of my heart. Alone but not lonely and most certainly not desperate enough to accept any offer given, whether it be for Music, friendship, sex or love.
I found everything I needed during 2019 to 2020. Everything. I don’t mind being a peacekeeper, but this isn’t why I was put on this earth. My Mother honestly thinks I should have become a therapist, as people always call for advice. She means well, shame. Being a musician these last two years has not been easy at all.
I recall an astrologer telling me years ago that my greatest lessons come from my relationships and how it transforms me. Change I have and along with it the Music also. Yet I no longer feel as haunted as I did during most of 2019 and 2020.
Whatever bit of life is left in me, or for me, will be spent around people I care for, enjoying the experiences brought to my doorstep by fate or chance or my Mother.
But Music is mine as I am His. As that is where my heart resides. Anyone who knows me well enough or knows the depth of my love for them, will find traces of their heart splattered all over my music. It is what it is.