I am reflecting on the last three weeks and my songwriting journey. I blogged often in order to straighten out my mind and compose music. As I was always checking where on the emotional spectrum I am while allowing everything I feel to voice itself.
I end up writing the best love songs when I am no longer in love. The saddest songs when I do not feel the ache as close to my skin. And angry songs the minute someone seriously pisses me off. My ex husband always thought that the songs I wrote were secretly for him, especially the song Guns on the Table. I corrected him and said that Queen of Pain and Suffering was written for him! Hehe
It has been a period of deep reflection as I write about love, the different kinds. Who am I in relation to the people who love me? Why do I feel as though I have failed when I walked away to remain sane? That has been my pattern, the loop I keep repeating. Sometimes I think I need to hand my love life over to someone I trust and my career or the gods themselves…or make greater demands of them!
I do feel rootless. Perhaps because my daughter is a grown ass and I do not have anyone who calls me home. No, many people call me home as I am their safe person. I am the one who remains aloof. Often I view myself as a nomad drifting in and out of their lives. I know I decided long ago that my heart won’t drift and wonder outside of my chest for too long. Only when I write and sing.
The last few weeks brought clarity. It is my intention to have more music in my life, to travel, complete the book and film a few projects. Even last night, as wonderful as it was….bored me. Yes, new music, new people and bad whiskey. Yet essentially the same experience. On flat days I wonder if the staggered progress in my career is as a result of me not being smart enough in terms of networking or formulating plans. Of course I always take the high road by saying….each stumbling block taught me to be a better human being and musician. When I take the wrong turn and cannot locate the higher ground, I become restless, jittery and lose faith.
My life is filled with wonderful human beings but something is missing. A few someone’s. Not just a lover but the tribe he comes from. Does this even make sense? When I close my eyes I can hear laughter, the sound of pots being opened and closed, the aroma of not only food but every bit of love filling the air while music is played on vinyl. And there are many children of all ages around. The rational mind always steps in along with the high ground. Perhaps I am projecting an ideal and should create that atmosphere instead of seeking it outside of myself.
My head and heart feels very noisy right now. And I need to stop running, that’s one of the few things I am certain of. As I won’t always be stuck in a rehearsal, in studio or performing will I?