When having a full blown existential crisis the only thing I want to do is shout FUCK!! And maybe bash my head and fists in some wall. It’s so boring facing the same questions, your own insecurities and having no choice but to stare down the fears that roar or become consumed by them.
Ever since I was small this little notion lodged itself in my mind. There is so much more to this life. More…more..more. Perhaps being born under the sign rooted in desire, Scorpio and other mischievous piece of rock Libra, that revels in beauty, has not made my life any easier. There is more, said my entire being. And this more is tied to Music. Fast forward a few years and moments filled with such luminosity crashed into my life. Time spent composing music with magical souls where music and the more was consumed as quickly as whiskey could be poured. Where rehearsals become places of scared worship and performances the ultimate act of Love.
The only place that gave me a measure of peace was Nature. She allowed me to create spaces within myself. Spaces I needed cleared, like a farmer does cyclically so new seeds for Music could be sown under a full moon. And that is the problem to my thinking. Everything in my life eventually becomes music. The sound of a flag thudding against a pole on a windy day becomes a bass line. The wheels of a car on a wet road become a symphony of strings. All my small and big experiences are fodder for songs. Is this how I am wired? For sound, for music. Is transcendence only possible through music?
Often I wondered…how can we, how can I make any mark in a world that is so complex,that feels beyond my reach and understanding? Does one piece of music matter, can my voice be heard in the din? Is this search for greater meaning rooted in music even worth it?
As I was smoking my brother approached, listening to music, a smile beaming from his face. ‘I know they say don’t go towards the light, but I can’t see anything beside the light of your cigarette burning in your hand.’ He walked closer and said, ‘How is it that one can listen to one song for hours on end and feel peace? With one statement and an innocent question he put an end to my existential anguish. Expansion will always be rooted to my bones. I long for…boundlessness, a return to the state we all originate from and music enables me to remember. I needed to stop warring with myself once and for all…
All I can do is carry on, with my doubts and a small fire burning between my fingers. All I can do is allow the music to find me, wherever I am.