We live in a seemingly transactional universe. You gave me this. Therefore, I will do that. It is tiring, always keeping score…in marriages, friendships and business! This is what kept me sane over the last few years. I only give and shared as much as I was capable of. No lies. No excuses. No ghosting. No bullshit behavior. Never in anger. As aware of my own agendas. Or at least honest enough about it. And with an open hand, grin on my face while drinking tequila.
If my heart explodes into a billion songs, I allow it to. There is such freedom and elation when riding a musical wave! If I could not write Music at all, regardless of the seemingly auspicious event or person, I don’t. My heart and my throat are so closely aligned I couldn’t lie even if I wanted to. I made peace with knowing that when I sing I am my most honest and true. Extending that idea to the rest of my world has been the work of the last few years.
Of course, we all encountered That Moment, the defining moment afterwards. When the entire world or at least one person knows the exact curvature of your heart…..and you feel stupid and exposed. Even though you can still taste the sun on your back, ice cream on your skin and the joy of creation. It is that Afterwards Moment I work hardest to view differently. That moment of vulnerability.
I have been playing mind games with myself for the last few years. Editing my memory consciously with Music. Some people have been edited out in a manner similar to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Removed from places of significance and in time erased altogether. A process that took years. If by the very act of recalling any person or event I hurl the past into the present….I must have clarity of mind. And actively decide how the past will affect my current present. In other words I must decide consciously what I believe.
Hence, I start my morning in silence in order to survey my mind for troubling thoughts and make peace with them. I do this before encountering anyone. Just as I am only capable of giving or sharing – I take a moment to remind myself that the same applies to others. People learn, progress and evolve at their own pace. Be gentle. With them. Yourself. But speak your truth, those sometimes small thoughts you hold on to.
I did not expect to be strengthened in my resolve though. It is easier to be around other people regardless of circumstance. To think of them without any powerful emotional charge, to view them with kindness. And Peace.
And when I can no longer do so, it is my work to understand why.
I mean, you gotta enjoy the madness of it all. The horror or comedy sketches your monkey mind plays out to scare you! And that’s enough for now, I tell my mind. Sit down. Be humble. Enough. I see where and why you are scared. And then I write Music….and laugh. Ten fuckin albums at the end of this year. My birthday is gonna be bladdy epic!
Have a beautiful day, you gorgeous human. And while you are at it, decide who and what matters. Dont forget to crack open an ice cold beer if the weather or your internal landscape demands. Me? I am gonna have some tea