Nothing is more luxurious than soaking in a hot bath filled with bubbles and reading a book. Feeling the hot water sink into my bones while my mind is transported to some foreign place. Or sitting under a tree while the sun cocoons my skin and getting lost between the pages of a book.
I love books and second hand book shops. Running my fingers along their spines while strange phrases give rise to a plethora of song ideas. I take lots of pictures of books at these bookshops also. The names of certain books alone spark song ideas. Ages ago, when my daughter was small I would escape to a art house cinema, watch a movie alone, sit in the Company Gardens in CT while eating something special I bought for myself and read. I always enjoyed my own company it seems…
I just recalled something Noel said to me before he left. ‘You don’t seem as sad anymore….’ Only now did I realize that he was not talking only about my father’s passing. He meant that I am less sad than I was in all the years of knowing me.
I read this silly book which is the equivalent of a chick flick and was surprised at the anger of the protagonist. A successful black woman with two marriages behind her and way too many regrets. It makes sense now. I sang away my rage but the sadness remained. I just disguised it as something else. And that’s when I became so very, very careful.
I joke a lot about meeting a tall, smart, handsome man with a spirit of adventure. But the truth is…I like who I am alone. It took me a while to reach this place and be okay with who I am when no one is around. To deal with my own sadness, regrets and failures. And not need anyone at my side as I did so.
It’s not only Rona and Daddy passing….no, no. I have been searching for answers and trying to make peace with myself for the last few years. Those two events just crystalized everything into place. The pieces of the puzzle fit….because I was what was missing from my life.
I love seeing my Mother happy. I enjoy our hikes and seeing her light up when I cook or gift her with a lovely scarf. She is always borrowing mine you see! If I were married to someone for close to 40 years….I would want someone I love close by. My Mother, my daughter, my sister and Music are about the brightest lights in my life. They always were I realised. It’s kinda ironic….that somehow the least practical person of the bunch ends up taking the lead on things. If anyone told me this a few years ago, I would have laughed. Still, here I am, head of the home and what not.
There are a few interesting things on the horizon, all music related. But until I have confirmation…my excitement will be contained. I enjoy reflecting and connecting the dots after the fact. There’s a wild magic that comes with simply living in the moment. I am not chasing after Music anymore.
And my birthday soon!!!! I can’t wait to dance and loose myself to strange music, lights and a sea of people. To laugh with excitement as a song speeds up and whirl like a dirvish on the dance floor if the mood strikes. I guess the big realisation is this – I like who I am. I am at peace with everything that happened in my life…and nothing, no one who I shared any amount of time was by accident or a mistake.
This feeling of ease within myself is what I have looked for my entire life. And like most people I sought it in others. I spent so much time agonizing, hoping I was good enough, would meet some imaginary standards. Now, I no longer care who knows, watches, hears, likes or loves me or my music.
I am good on every front. Softer, gentler with myself and others and so much more certain about how to love. And it filters through every word I write, thought I think and note I sing. That’s a gift my itself. Whoever I chose to love next will be a very lucky man. As I am no longer lost, broken or searching.