Old black man, you have been dead a year. Mostly, I wish I was home today, right now. Just to be with Mummy. Not that she needs it, by the way. She is always busy with the garden, her bible (there are so many more now!),.harassing us for vegetarian food. Of course, I miss you, but she misses you more. I cant imagine loving someone for so long….and You were not an easy man at all!
I wish you could have seem me sing on Saturday with my band Daddy-Oh! We were fire, every note in its place, not a lyric missed. Oh, well, Mummy never gets to see me sing and do cool things either. I will live, I reckon. Still… I don’t know how I feel right now. So I decided to write to you instead.
Look, I never came to you for advice. That just wasn’t our dynamic. You were simply…the one person I knew who could fix anything, make a plan when there is no plan in sight. The word no did not exist at all in your vocabulary. You were Daddy. And Daddy could do everything. Even when he shouldn’t. Like…baking! I mean there was a serious cheesecake making phase you went through! To this day, I cant eat 1cheesecake without thinking of you.
My daughter did not get to really know you. She only knew the father I hated most of my life. (Yes, old black man…I hated your ass. Dont roll your eyes at me Daddy. I know it’s arse and not ass. And you were a proper asshole back then.) It’s all forgiven though and I hope you forgive me also. You were fantastic in the last few years. The warm, rather grumpy mad father every girl deserves. And man….do I love you.
I grew up believing I had to do things to be worthy of love Daddy. After all, you were this brilliant academic who could fix anything. Build houses, do the plumbing, sort out an engine and make food! In my mind I thought…only when I am successful will I be worthy of love. But your death showed me something else.
I was always worthy, I discovered. As is. So I stopped running towards things and people that hurt me Daddy. And I stopped hurting others. Saying I am careful is a bit of an understatement. But I am having fun…and I feel free.
All I want is for my heart to bloom. For every bit of it to feel like Music. Even if I miss a note here and there. Or the first line of a song (yeah, it will take me a while to get over that). Right now, it feels like I am placing my toes gently on the grass as the sun is about to rise. It’s warm here, the night evaporating. There is promise of flowers, an entire forest under my feet Daddy. And I am no longer as scared as I was before. No longer that five year old girl who would not let go of you. Forcing you to carry me everywhere until I fell asleep. I can hear you singing. Not some dodge Harry Bellefonte song, or even Ella and Louis. I can hear you singing the song I loved when I was five years old and my world revolved around you.
Thank you for being my father. And we are all gonna be better than okay.
This song though…I miss you, old black man. Daddy.