Do you remember when you were a teenager or in your 20’s and did some silly shit? Oh nooooo, you berate yourself! What the hell? What was I thinking? Why didnt someone stop me? That does seem familiar, no? Except, I did not have that as a teenager ( too serious) or in my 20’s ( I was raising a daughter). So I have catching up to do….
Lately, I pride myself on not doing silly shit, regardless of my mental or emotional state. Simply being able to get a good night’s sleep is a win. Consider, I am an insomniac. A musician who loves writing or thinking of Music at night. Also, I do not sleep well next to another. Firstly, I suffer nightmares. And those dreams are usually apocalyptic in nature. Talk about commitment issues!
When I am in a ‘bad’ way the Music is usually bittersweet. Here’s the backstory behind one of my favorite songs, Wherever The Light Falls. My father just died and I was spending a weekend with friends. On the lawn, small kids acting like lunatics, great food, desert music and it was Dusk. The day was, in effect, perfect. One very small pretty girl decided to place flowers all over my hair. She was joined by the twin boys…in a moment when I felt so alone in that beautiful space. It was a gift, their bright little faces handing me flowers. I was on the verge of crying, overwhelmed by their kindness.
I wish I were wired differently. Wish I could express everything I feel more effectively without Music. God knows I am trying. I have no issue abstaining from sex. But not writing Music? That’s impossible. I tried. Do you wanna know what it feels like in my head? Everything is translated into lyrics and harmonies. Everything.
Or the song In The Arms of my Lover?
Imagine…hearing and seeing someone you love…and this is what comes out of you. This truth. The relationship is over. Done. I never felt this for you. And that’s why I avoid the piano sometimes.