It just occurred to me that many, if not all the relationships I held in deep regard lead to music. Almost effortlessly. And there was so much love there….
When a relationship of any kind is over – I stop speaking. I share nothing and the chord is cut clean. For a long time I wished for answers from one person in particular. But silence, I learned is an answer of its own. That hurt me, that small realisation that there was no part of me that warranted an answer or an explanation, that I didn’t matter enough.
Talk about getting triggered and pulled right back into my past! It made me question everything about myself, how I love and what I value. And not a single bit of music needed to be written while I wrestled with the ugly bits of my past. I wrote only about what was beautiful. Nothing else.
What emotional clutter do I currently have? Very little. Not even the devil can tempt me, and he is so deliciously tempting, that fantastic man.
The boxes of darkness these men gave me. Boxes I accepted. Boxes of twisted beliefs. They were all gifts and contained such beauty, that it was the easiest thing getting stuck there. Forever searching for the bliss I once felt in that dark place.
My ex husband years ago once told me, as did my daughter, that they feel I don’t need them or anyone. I am so ….self contained. Perhaps it was their choice of words that irked me. Need. No, I don’t need anyone. I choose to walk beside another, not behind them. Similarly, I don’t want anyone to need me. Choose me. Yes. Choose and accept me as is. Yes. Or leave.
Later today Tumi, my songwriter in crime arrives. I was told in mediation that he will arrive with a heavy heart. And indeed it is heavy, his cousin just passed. His arrival here delayed because of it. I was told this before I knew of the death in his family.
Music is a byproduct of the life I live. In fact, even though he is here to produce the new album, that won’t be my focus. His wellbeing is. This is what friends do for each other. We hold space. Wonder if he enjoys chicken livers as much as I do?
Watch out for new music in this month! On the same day Ben Harper releases his new album, we leave for CT. Oh, I can’t wait to have fun and dance and laugh and drink whiskey and kiss a delicious man! I might just keep him round for a little while, who knows?
And that is the point – no one knows anything! We don’t know when our time is up. So why not just enjoy being here ?Living and dancing and making music and kissing and sitting in the sun and readings and exploring and….
Get my drift? Live dammit. Live! And put away those boxes of darkness that contained small bits of light. It’s not needed anymore….step into the sun darlings. Step into and up…it’s so warm here…
I see you have forgotten haven’t you? The sun…and you…. You’re kinda made of the same stuff. Nothing grows without it, without your love, your wamrth. Nothing blooms in the darkness.