Perhaps everything isn’t as complicated as we make it. Until 2019 and 2020 happened, I was a mess my people! And convinced I had to look at my past as the only reference point that mattered. To fix, to heal, to understand. Until I realized that by rehashing the past I was making it more present that it ever was. Now, I have zero fucks to give. Anyone who knows me well enough knows this : I care deeply for those I choose to care for.
Happiness can be found, I discovered, along the way to… anywhere I am headed. Everywhere in fact, and with anyone I choose. And it doesn’t always have to involve music. In the last two years certain things stopped mattering as much. I know now, being away from home for the first time since Daddy died, how much this year as healed me. I see things for what and who they are. And I enjoy them while they are present and let go the minute it’s done. I am no longer searching for moments to cling to in order for them to become Music. There is no need for solid ground.
I have these mad plans for my life. Stark raving mad stuff! I wake up with ideas jumping around in my head all the time. I get so excited and follow up in small and big ways. I do whatever I can given what I have. Just yesterday my friend and I had an amazing photo shoot. We had no money, no art department, makeup or hair team. We sat by ourselves putting things together and making do. It was shot in his garage with whatever lights he had. Yet those photos are amazing as is. He still has to do his visual effects magic on the images. As that’s what he excels at.
The photoshoot would not have happened had we not spent a cathartic weekend together at Summer Camp and danced our troubles away. Also, I can checklist the following badassery off my list. We sallied on over to the dance area (all lovely grass and hills surrounding), found a spot, lit a smoke and took a sip of Rum. At 8 in the morning! I said I wanted to let my hair down, after all! We came back as people who felt a great deal lighter. Soon afterwards the idea of the photo shoot happened and I said – fuckyeah man! The rest is history. Or will soon be once I release those images. This is what happens when simply being open and trusting to what the gods have in mind occurs. The things I need appear.
I have accepted that bad days will come (grief and all) and I won’t be bullied by anyone. My grief is my own, along with my ways of dealing. Listen here man – if I have to listen to Ben Harper’s album on repeat the entire day while I am sad and shit, then that’s what I do. I have no desire to speak to anyone on days like that. So I don’t. When I am ready I find a tree, open a book and let the sadness move through me. Even that is a gift, the grief. It’s a small reminder that I had an amazing Father who loved me as best he could.
And that’s really it, the answer to it all… People love as best they can, given what life has done to them, or what they allowed. It does not make their love any less true or real. All any of us can do is decide how to spend each day and each moment. Whether we chose to celebrate the small and insignificant the way we would the epic and downright fantastic – is a choice.
Gone are the days of chasing, running around and losing my mind over music, family and men. Gwaan I say! Wyk Satan! (as my Mother proclaims without being prompted!). I had this small feeling descend on me a few nights ago. Next year is the year someone and something amazing enters my life. As to what it is on the music front, or who it is on the love front – doesn’t really matter. But it’s on its way. I know it is, this isn’t a matter of belief anymore. I have things I am planning, but I spoke to Mark and said – I will go with the best idea in the room. Or move towards whatever excites me.
At times one can only truly know if any real healing occurred when removed from what is safe and known. I am deeply grateful for the time spent in CT. I could stay longer if I chose to but am ready for the sea, the blue skies and black nights studded with stars, the smell of the lagoon, the sound of my Mother’s piano. I am ready to go home for a spell. As I got what I came for and experienced more than I hoped I would.