Since I was a teenager I journalled. Only last year I destroyed those teen memoirs filled with love letters and silly thoughts. Why, do you ask? Well, that person is one I no longer recognize. Writing helped clear my thoughts, especially when I am troubled. Writing music and dancing has the same effect.
Imagine my surprise when speaking to a girlfriend and she asked, ‘Did you hook up with anyone?’ No. That was not my intent at all. This entire year has been one where I was more inwardly focused. Attending Summer Camp and meeting a love or lust interest would have….marred the process of healing. Besides, meeting another in a space that contains so much energy and history can have long lasting effects. Just look at what happened at Afrika Burn dammit. Ain’t nobody got time for that yo!
Now and only now do I feel ready. To allow someone amazing into my life and space, close to my skin and perhaps my heart. Only…perhaps! I realised that once my heart felt like three rusted swords were thrust into it. Caked over with old blood and past wounds. Now it feels like a garden, the earth and sun. This is why I wear flowers, why my skin is inked the way it is, why I wear clothing I do.
I realised that if I don’t investigate my past, identify root causes and triggers I will repeat cycles of behavior and being. And 2020 is the year I broke free. Thanks to lockdown and my father passing.
I won’t do what’s convenient or easy. Settle for less in love or career. And my family know my boundaries and I am deeply acquainted with theirs.
I think of the past this way – every time I look back….I am pulling the energy of that moment in time towards myself. Fuel it with emotions and music and it becomes living and breathing water, a tumultuous wave, an ocean I have no reprieve from. The saying, ‘You can’t step into the same river twice’ now springs to mind. Each second is a new one. Why recreate more of my past?
I know what to call towards myself and how. I am ready…for everything.