The piano and I…
Why am I so reluctant to sit and play music? Why do I have no desire to plan a performance? I know, I know….I felt this way last year after my father died. I am just gonna give myself time and do everything other than sing….for a bit. Or wait until an idea excites me. Or a question drives me crazy enough to find answers at the piano.
Social media and I?
When the majority of people I need to contact can be found there….Arg! So FB is activated again but I barely post or say anything. I pop mails when I need to sure. A hello-and – how- are-you kinda vibe. Most people do not respond, as they ditched the app also. The idea that anyone cares about how many likes I have or social currency makes me nauseous. So…uh…no.
Dating apps and I…
No. I cant. I refuse to. I know it is harder to meet people…but no. In my own little town, and from locals, I am asked where I come from. Yeah. I have hermit like ways at times. The only people who really know me are found at the library and bookshops. And Gilda from TLC of course. So why would I make more of an effort online? I am leaving my love life in the hands of the gods this time round.
I am tired of my phone and feeling like a gambler everytime it makes a sound. I am deeply aware that my attention is the real currency…
This year has been many things but terrible is at the top of the list somewhere. Let’s ignore my generally light and bright world view for a second. I struggled. All of us did. And the music I wrote, even though it was filled with light, came from a very dark place. No rage. No anger. No fuck you’s and why have you forsaken me. Even though I felt all of it. Balance, I reminded myself. Find and maintain it.
I doubted everything, including Music. Should I still sing? Wait. Should I still exist? Oh, I had dark days my brother. Whenever I am removed from routine or alone…I am so confronted with my sadness, it shocks me. This is how well you hide from yourself, it seems to say. That’s when I remind myself: I made it through dammit! I am still here. Isnt that enough for now? Why do I have to be winning at life and at the top of my career? I’d rather focus on the sadness and let it remove the fear along with it.
I am here. Breathing. And that’s enough for now. I know I disappear into myself. It has become a bit of a joke even with friends, the disappearing act I pull in company. Open your eyes. Balance. Breathe. Sing. Or listen to music. Write. Everything is gonna work out somehow