Some days it is hard to not feel like a failure. To wonder, with everything inside of one’s being, if the right choices were made. I have felt this way about relationship, even about family…but never about Music. Until now.
I am trying to talk my way out of a black hole I am in. It doesn’t even matter what happened, just that it did. Let’s use rationale why dont we? The state of the world, the pandemic…blah, blah. So I did what any sane person would do. I worked just a bit harder. Only to be met by the same brick wall.
Pandemic. Daddy dying. No air. Can’t sing. Breathe. Rest. Discover why I am wired the way I am. Embrace the loneliness. Journal everyday to not lose my mind. Get up. Look out for family. Friends. Enjoy whatever comes….and forget music. Dance. Until I could sing, and dream and hope.
I don’t want to put everything I feel into Music. And I hate it when people say that stupid shit to me. Then they assume I am brave. Has anyone every considered that for once, I would like to not be?
All I can do is wait until I feel the sun on my skin and regain my balance as best I can…and then decide again. Fuck. I am really good at talking myself down from the cliff I wanna throw myself off hey?
On the upside…Summer Camp takes place the end of next month. At least, I can dance away what I can’t find the words or the Music for now.
Right. I have things to do and people to meet. Breathe and focus on what I can focus on. The rest? I really don’t know what comes next. When things like this happens…it makes one afraid of hoping or desiring anything too much. And that is the scary part I reckon. Hence. Balance. Breathe. Dont listen to Ben Harper sing Another Lonely Day, even though it is the only song ringing through my head.
I am just glad this happened now and not a day before a performance. I would have been an emotional mess. Small mercies and silver linings. One should always try to find them. Along with a path back to whatever feels safe.
The irony hasn’t escaped me. One day you have nothing but inner peace and then…Boom, shit happens. It is so easy to lose one’s way. Breathe. The sun rises. The sky is blue. The stars shine and somewhere out there the wild sea roars. Breathe.