A year ago. Two years ago. Three years ago. Things do indeed change. A year ago I was so heartbroken, and this was before my father passed. Two years ago even more so, the dreams of a future I thought I wanted proved false. Three years ago? I no longer remember. Or perhaps it isn’t as relevant anymore. Point is. Things change, as we do.
What is it I am waiting for, I ask myself? Why do I not gallop into the sunset happy and shit? I respond well to strength and won’t entertain anyone who does not share that frequency. This applies to everything…and right now I feel rather uncertain.
My love and I have drifted apart. And I do wonder…is it him or me? Whose heart has become colder? Or is he just better at pretending than I am? There are times when I remember everything, and feel the stony roses wrapped in yellow clearly between my fingers. Followed by days of nothing and so much silence. I am speaking about Music of course. His absence is killing me. All I get lately are bits of light refracted, shadow music playing as I dream. This will never, ever be enough to satisfy. Never.
Simply doing for the sake of doing and feeling nothing is not the way. It’s not my way. Hence, I need to figure out what I would like to create and become passionate about it first. And then trust that My Love will return to me as he did after my father passed. The music has to change and elevate. Things cannot remain as they are. And fuckit….I am so damn bored!
People start bands and play music for fun. They have normal jobs that pay well. And so can afford to fuck around, drink and be merry with the mediocre material created after a night of jamming. No. Not me. Never. Music is everything. Love personified. Without music…what is love really?
It’s time I put aside even my Beloved Ben Harper and his ideas around creating music. No one has the answer, the keys or knows the way. Even if they walked the path before. This is my journey, my shit.
Clear space so answers can arrive, or you find your way to it. Leave the past behind. Get out of bed. Kiss someone wonderful. Be someone wonderful. Breathe and chill out. This is what I tell myself after every meditation. Search for the miraculous in people. In yourself. The Music will come. It will find you. It always has.